I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm sleeping 'til 10:30/12:00 noon, even as late as 3 if I let myself. I have entered into depression BIG time. I lost my job in October and have not been able to find employment. I have given up. I did attempt a job a sales that had a lot of ups and downs and now I can't even get out of bed to "go and try." My children are extremely disrespectful and I react to their rudeness. My heart is absolutely broken. It's like I'm the child and they are the adults. I am so fearful of having to go on medication... I've been self-medicating with alcohol as needed and nothing is helping. I am so sad and grumpy all the time and can't seem to get out of this downward spiral. My love seems to be fading for my children. Lately I just feel like I can't stand them. I don't know what to do. I know that I can't stand myself these days (weeks, months...) I hope this is the right forum for advice, etc. I know that I need to try the program but obviously from info posted above, I am unable to afford it. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I can't handle the old addage of "you're just feeling sorry for yourself..." because ok, so now what? Even if "that's all it is" and I don't really understand how that's wrong -- I mean, it's not like I can just flip a switch and make it go away. Nothing is fun anymore. I hardly ever smile and the stress and depression are taking a huge, quick toll on my "looks." People that haven't seen me in say, 2 weeks, can't believe the difference and how I look "like awful." And health wise, I feel awful. I've developed a very violent cough that has me throwing up daily. And the throwing up is just a violent as the coughing. The ER says nothing is wrong... Please help.

I hope you came to the right place, becouse I'm sorta in the same boat (minus the kids) Watch the boose intake cause it can get ya evan if your on the program. The best thing I ever did was get hope for a better life, wich the challenge of getting the loot together to pay for the program gave me. I didnt know weather it would fix me but the hope kept me going. A bit of warning though, the program doesnt make you better, it teaches you how to make yourself better, its not the happy switch we all wish we had. It definatly leads to a more positive outlook on life. In the meentime just stick around the forems, I found it very comforting to learn I'm not alone in these sorts of struggles. Best wishes to you and yours

Thank you firebug! Hope is always a good thing. I'm sure I have some of that left somewhere; hiding under something...

It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my stuggle. Maybe I can try the free mini series if it is still available, I think I read a post somewhere on here that there was such a thing...

Angry,
I read your post, wow I want you to get help. You mentioned everything that was going wrong in your life. Now I want you to do this. Write down all that is right or good in your life. Then pick something from this list to focus on. One of these things will inspire you to begin the process of change. This place is a great start. There are so many people here with such great knowledge and advice. You have to start somewhere. Where you are now obviously isn't working. Draw an imaginary line in your life, step over it, and make a promise to yourself that you will never go back. ONLY forward thinking from this point on! Get up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself its going to get better. Then take action. One thing each day to work on getting better or making that change you need. You can do it. So many of us have and we will be there with you through out the process. God bless! Love yourself
Julie

quote:

Originally posted by Angry & Depressed:
I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm sleeping 'til 10:30/12:00 noon, even as late as 3 if I let myself. I have entered into depression BIG time. I lost my job in October and have not been able to find employment. I have given up. I did attempt a job a sales that had a lot of ups and downs and now I can't even get out of bed to "go and try." My children are extremely disrespectful and I react to their rudeness. My heart is absolutely broken. It's like I'm the child and they are the adults. I am so fearful of having to go on medication... I've been self-medicating with alcohol as needed and nothing is helping. I am so sad and grumpy all the time and can't seem to get out of this downward spiral. My love seems to be fading for my children. Lately I just feel like I can't stand them. I don't know what to do. I know that I can't stand myself these days (weeks, months...) I hope this is the right forum for advice, etc. I know that I need to try the program but obviously from info posted above, I am unable to afford it. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I can't handle the old addage of "you're just feeling sorry for yourself..." because ok, so now what? Even if "that's all it is" and I don't really understand how that's wrong -- I mean, it's not like I can just flip a switch and make it go away. Nothing is fun anymore. I hardly ever smile and the stress and depression are taking a huge, quick toll on my "looks." People that haven't seen me in say, 2 weeks, can't believe the difference and how I look "like awful." And health wise, I feel awful. I've developed a very violent cough that has me throwing up daily. And the throwing up is just a violent as the coughing. The ER says nothing is wrong... Please help.

I understand how hard this is and how helpless you feel at this momment, but fear no more because you have come to the right place, not only in the literal sense, but in the figurative sense. You may think that you are weak or helpless but your ability to post what you did, and your incentive to find a way to get better is anything but an act of "giving up", in fact it is very much characteristic of a strong and resilent person, not a weak person. Additionally, you have come to the right place in the literal sense in that this forum is the right place to find the support that you need.

You are worrying about what your children are feeling/thinking and saying about you. Children can be cruel and illogical, but this doesn't mean that they don't love you unconditionally. If your children are adults you must realize that even adults can be cruel and illogical. But the fact of the matter is that you are their mother and regardless of any "weakness" that you may show them, they will always love and care for you. Just give them sometime to mature a little more.

For example, when I was about fourteen I used to have terrible acne... one day I was over a good friends and his little brother and sister said to me... "what are those dots all over your face, you have a pizza face... haha". Initially these statements really hurt, until I realized that these were only children and that they didn't understand the reasoning behind why I have acne. They didn't understand that it was something that was virtually, completely, out of my control.

So you shouldn't take the way your children are reacting to your struggle at face value. Of course it may hurt badly, but you need to realize that they are reacting this way out of ignorance not because they think less of you. They do not understand what it is that you are going through and they don't realize how bad, what they are saying to you, is hurting you. This goes for Adults as well.

You may want to consider sitting down with them and explaining these kinds of ideas. Respect for people who are different, etc... You may be surprised at their willingness to listen, and their reaction to your lecture. Simply telling them that you love them and that they are making you feel as if they don't love you, can be very impactful.

On to your other problems: fear of medicine, looks, etc...

What I am getting out of what you are saying, more than anything else, is that you care way too much about what other people think of you. Think about this, and try to answer the question: Why do you care more about what other people think about you, than what you think about yourself? The majority of people who make negative statement towards others do so because they are really insecure with themselves. People love to talk about and watch people who are less fortuante than they are (e.g. talk shows, entertainment news, soap operahs, etc) because they are not fully satisified with their own lifes. What is important is how you feel about youself, not how others feel about you.

As for your fear of medicine. Why fear medicine? Medicine can be a breakthrough for some people and if you are feeling really down in the dumps... what is the harm in trying some medicine? It may provide that "magic switch" that you are looking for. The majority of people in this world are either on psychiatric medication, get drunk at least once a week (or drink moderately through-out the week), smoke ciagarettes, drink excessive amounts of coffee, over eat, or find comfort in sexual ventures that are considered "immoral" in the minds of most rational persons-- I'm refering to cheating. My point is that the majority of people in this world engage in some sort of niche to escape from the stresses of life. Taking an SSRI drug to help you deal with anxiety and depression is not something to feel disappointed about, it is actually a better approach to dealing with the stresses of life than "self-medicating." There tends to be a stigma attached to using medicine for anxiety and depression and it is an unjustified stigma. So before throwing medicine out the window as a possible solution, you should keep it up on the window stool as one potential solution to your problem.

You talked about money issues. Well there are a number of affordable ways to get the help that you need. There are many books and websites available to help you. If you would like some resources that are affordable or even free, send me a PM and I'll give you a list of some.

In regards to your health issues: there is actually an old saying by philosopher and writer Chaucer, that "People can die of mere imagination."

This isn't to say that you are going to die because you simply fear it, obviously given scientific research this is HIGHLY unlikely, but the essence of this quote couldn't be any more relevant to your problem.

Your mind is a very powerful thing and the mere thought of not being able to breathe will typically make a person lose their breath. A false-belief is a very powerful thing. You need to take a step back and look at your situation. The ER is telling you that there is nothing wrong... For the majority of people, this would be good enough. You, on the other hand, do not feel this is good enough. There is most-likely a reason for this. Maybe it is distraction from a real issue, or maybe you are just being overly sensative to the physical effects of panic. Either way, you need to learn to deal with this fear and one of the best ways to do this is to learn to cope with your fear of death. Spiritual guidance can be an incredible tool to help you deal with these symptoms and fears.

Exercise, good nutrition, meditation or "soul searching" or "spiritual searching", postive hobbies and activites, writing and expressing your feelings and fears, and facing your fears head on... are all wonderful ways to fight this.

Overall, be strong and FIGHT! Fight to get your life back, and when in doubt or when you feel that you cannot fight anymore, come to this forum and talk with others who are in the same situation, or others who have been in the same situtaion. You can also learn to focus on something positive and reflect on all that you have already accomplished. That last thing is hard to do at first but you'll be able to eventually. Most importanly, stop stressing out because you are finally on the right track to getting better.

Best Wishes,

Beat

This message has been edited. Last edited by: BeatAnxiety07,

BeatAnxiety07.........you still rule man, you are awesome!!! David

I can't thank you enough for caring to write your incredible, inspiring words! I will try to PM you. I'm finding that I'm not quite as good at this computer stuff as I once might have thought, but you are an incredible inspiration and have many words of wisdom that I need to hear; links that I imagine would be greatly beneficial.

Thank you, Beat, for all that you wrote. And Julie, too. Thank you for caring.

I will update here quickly and say that I did find a job, almost miraculously, last week and I'll never forget the end of the first day, feeling as if I had taken a prozac. Actually joking that I didn't need anti-depressants, just a job! (as I was all smiles and full of life again.) Of course, almost one week later, the fear is creeping in. I'm still stuck with me, you know? I am getting incredibly overwhelmed, quickly and don't want to ruin this chance at re-employment. I know I can't ever *hate* this job -- the knowledge and life experience of being unemployed for 6 months with fear of never being employed again, is far scarier than any job that could "get the best of me." No matter what, I want to be successful and HAPPY. So yes, Beat, I will try and PM you. Thank you all for your kind, motivating words.

I will end on the note that my on again, off again relationship of 6+ years is again, OFF, as of last night and I am fighting the worst kind of sadness. The deepest part of me, however thinks it is probably for the best. So much to process... I am so grateful for finding this forum.

ATTITUDE



Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill...

The remarkable thing is, we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...



We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude....



from Strengthening Your Grip
by Charles Swindoll



~Angelsgarden~

That was an excellent post, Beat.

A couple of resources I would recommend are by Dr. David Burns, "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy" and "The Feeling Good Handbook". The program was more user friendly for me, but these books provide very good info on why we become depressed and how to climb out of the depression. I would suggest that the thoughts of being employed do in fact elevate our mood because our thinking is improved as a result. Glad you found a job, A&D. Working on yourself to understand yourself and working to change thought patterns will aid you in your job and in life in general. I hope you'll reconsider the program at some point.