hey everybody, i know everyone can relate to this somehow. i have mentioned this before in one of my forums, but not in much detail. my husband is so negative and when i try to talk toi him he always has an excuse for his behavior and attitude. truthfully, i had an affair about 4 months ago, told him, confessed my sin to God, and have begged for forgiveness. my husband says he forgives me and even goes to church and marriage counseling, but he is so down all the time. i know it is not easy to get over and i'm not asking for immediate change, but he is down about everything: money, work, bills, etc.. it doesn't help that he drinks either, and he has cut back alot, so that's a positive right? i do love him alot, and i know he is trying, it's just frustrating in the meantime. do i just stay positive and try to lead by example, or what? thanks to all, i appreciate any advice!

Linz, from a guys perspective it's VERY HARD for us to give forgiveness in a situation like this. I'm the type of guy that wont give a second chance so I give it to the men and women who forgive and work it out. I'm proud of you for not trying to cop out like alot do and blame it on this or that, you're owning it and i have high regards of you for that. This will take time for him, the time depends on him and him only . As a guy, i would think he visualizes you and this guy together alot and it's hard and he's hurt more than he'll let on. He's now probably questioning his own manhood and most likely feels inadequate. Sounds as though he's telling you he forgives you and he's probably trying to but cant or doesn't know how. My advice is to tell him it was the biggest mistake you've ever made and that he will see that you're committed to earning back his trust and then show him you are by example as you put it. Also you BOTH have to look at the reasons and factors that led up to this affair and take immediate action to makes sure it never happens again. Communication is rare nowadays in relationships and it's so easy to do and it's us guys mostly that have blinders on it seems. Sit with him, cry with him, talk with him make him a part of you again. It's up to him to forgive and work it out or let it fall apart at this point. Sounds as though you both have some healing to do and it may take some time. He's still there and trying so it looks good for you guys....I wish you guys the best of luck.

Very well written Tommyboy!!!!
Great advice as well as being supportive.

I wish you both so much success in trying to work things out and come together again as a couple. I always try to put myself in the other persons shoes and look at a situation from their point of view. Forgiving is easier than forgetting.
My prayers are with you both.

Hi linz!
I too agree with a lot of what Tommy says. I was on the receiving end in my marriage once. My husband came to me and confessed an interlude with prostitute. I thought I would never get over it! He offered to leave and take care of me and the kids but said it had been a terrible mistake. I believed him and we both worked very hard to be happy. He was dedicated and became a much better husband. We were married 37 years and had five kids.

For about a year, I had trouble trusting him. I even wondered what was wrong with me ( I was 20 at the time) I always wondered if he was thinking of somebody else when we were in bed.
I became fanatic over how I looked, the hair, clothes. I was paranoid for a long time.
But by the grace of God the love and relationship survived many happy years.

Be patient with your husband. This is still new to him and he is just trying to regain his own self esteem again. Don't fake it but he really needs to be validated and made secure now. You should do self assessment and figure out what you were looking for when you sought somebody.
If you love one another you can be happy together again.

One more thing! Dont beat yourself up! You did a really big thing by owning up to your mistake. But thats what it was, a mistake. Accept God's forgiveness and your husbands an go on from here.

God Bless you both and remember you have friends here.

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful advice, it really helps to have an outsiders opinion. Tommy, thanks alot, having a guy's point of view makes me understand a little better. God bless you all, and I am so glad I have great friends here!

Having been on both sides of this coin, I will tell you that I doubt he will ever trust you again. That doesn't mean the "end" it just means you have your work cut out for you. You will have to make sure not to do things you know might make him feel insecure. Eventually the memory might fade far enough away so that you two aren't so affected by the mistake, but he knows that if it happened once, it can happen again. May I suggest a book? The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It has some great ideas about how you can show your husband he is loved. Just a thought. Yeah some of the content might seem like a 50's throw back, but that is propably exactly what he needs right now.

Good luck.