I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.
I know what you mean. I love my boyfriend more than anything and want to be with him forever. He makes me happier than I have ever been. But when I feel anxious I automatically think its because of him and that we're not meant to be together. I know its not true, but then I think why would I think it, what if deep down somewhere its true. I hate it. I know its a scary obsessive thought..its probably one of the worst things that could happen to me and I am using it as a distraction...it is really frustrating..i am working really hard at overcoming this scary thought and I will...It is hard work though. It's nice to hear someone out there with a similiar experience. We will overcome this. I have no doubt.
Posts: 5 | Location: California | Registered: July 29, 2008
Jacquelin & Jessica N, I have been married to my best friend for 10 years and we were friends for 15 years before that. He has NEVER done anything to hurt me, and I still have to stop myself from thinking that it's just a matter of time before something bad happens. "I love him but I don't feel in love" is something that I relate to more than I'd like to. Noone has ever been so good to me, but I'm not in love. It's not everything, but it's important. He's so good to me I can't imagine anyone else treating me so well, so I often wonder if I have the ability to love. But yes, depression distorts all of our thinking. It's natural to want to find a reason for why we feel how we do, and it's easy to project it onto someone else. But I'll bet we feel differently in a few weeks. I'd like to check back with you and see.
Posts: 368 | Location: Eastern PA | Registered: June 04, 2009
This is such a good topic. The ups and downs, the wide ranges in your emotions, the surges of loving feelings followed by twinges of doubt, all of these are symptoms of how your depressed brain works. It's one of the primary reasons Lucinda emphasizes you want to wait until after you complete this program before you make big life changes, such as those of changing or ending a relationship. What we think becomes what we believe. If our thoughts about another person change, our beliefs about them change as well. There is no way we can know what's in their minds. But while depressed, it's so easy to fill our minds with what we think they are thinking. By working through this entire program, and truly mastering session 3, you will change your brain chemistry, thus you will change your brain. Your depression will lift. We are what we think we are. The same way we think ourselves into depression, we can think ourselves into a positive happy mindful way of life.
Posts: 819 | Location: Rocky Mountains USA | Registered: June 12, 2008
Jacquelin, I don't know if this will help but here goes:
I know exactly how you feel. My doubtful thoughts make me feel absolutely crazy. There have been many fights and many tearful talks that have started because I let my anxiety get the better of me and I say things that are on my mind, but am not sure are real. Most of the time I don't know what is real or fiction (not in the literal sense, but when it comes to my own feelings). I am going through a tough time right now so I can't give the most positive advice, but I say seek a therapist, relationship counselor, something so that you don't make the same mistakes that I did. I feel like my relationship is going to end because of my anxiety and the bad choices I made...
Posts: 4 | Location: California | Registered: July 16, 2008
Hello, don't know if anyone is still on this topic since it was started in june! I am on my second week and have been having a very difficult time with the recent separation of my spouse a couple months back! I know that he has lost all love for me secondary to my depression! He has said so! I just hope that this program will help me be better so the same doesn't occur with my children!
Posts: 7 | Location: houston area | Registered: September 24, 2009
Originally posted by Jacquelin: I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.
Originally posted by Jacquelin: I am wondering if anyone has a problem with their relationships due to depression. When I think rationally I know that depression clearly influence relationships. However, I am sometimes so anxious and depressed that I doubt my love for my boyfriend. I also have obsessive scary thoughts and have been pushing him away for quite some time due to them. It’s like the cliché I love him but I don’t feel in love. Just three months ago I did though. I have so many ups and downs that it is hard to make a decision. I desperately want to be happy with him like I used to be and the indecision is killing both of us. So, I was just wondering if loss of certain emotions like this is common in people with depression.
I don't even know if you will receive this reply or not because I'm new to this site. However, if you do, I can say that when you are challenged with mental illness, you cannot work on relationships. You have to find yourself first. When you're ok with yourself inside, then you can begin working on a relationship, not before! Most people think that they will be happy when they find the perfect relationship but that's not the way it works. Take care of the way you feel inside first! Then your relationships will work. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself first!
Originally posted by susan gp: Hello, don't know if anyone is still on this topic since it was started in june! I am on my second week and have been having a very difficult time with the recent separation of my spouse a couple months back! I know that he has lost all love for me secondary to my depression! He has said so! I just hope that this program will help me be better so the same doesn't occur with my children!
Hi my name is Gilles. You may not be able to save your relationship. What you need to do is find yourself first. You need to practice and change your negative behaviors and beliefs. This takes a lot of work. But you can do it! I understand your challenges very clearly. Please call me so we can discuss your issues. I'm more than happy to help you. (705)522-4961 Give me a call. Gilles
Wow, I understand all of this completely. Sometimes I feel I dont deserve anyone because I dont know that I could love them. My emotions seem to be a roller coaster. I broke up with the last boyfriend I had, but I cant seem to totally let him go. I feel so messed up.
Also once when I met a new guy at a dance, we met and talked at several dances and he seemed really interested. Then I made the mistake of telling him I suffered from depression and anxiety and he told me "You seem so normal, I thought you were normal", and I never saw him again. Now I am afraid to talk to other men about it...
Posts: 30 | Location: So. California | Registered: April 16, 2008
I too have been through this struggle and am still going through it. I will reflect on Session 3, because I believe this is the reason our relationships sometimes don't work. 1. All or nothing thinking 2. Negative predictions 3. Filtering information negatively 4. Mind Reading 5. Shoulds 6. Over generalized thinking
At first my breakup put me into this frenzy of thinking "If he really loved me, he would deal with it." "True love perseveres."
The reality is that for anyone who hasn't been through what we go through on a daily basis, it's hard to understand. It's frustrating for them. Imagine someone trying to love you and they feel as though they just don't do anything to make you happy. Sometimes they truly think they can pull you out of it, but they can't.
It's very hard for everyone involved. We really do need to love ourselves before we can love someone else.
The last thing you want to do is change for someone else. You need to change for you!
I go through the same thing when I enter into a relationship. I really like this person and I know that I want to be with them, and then I get so afraid that I do not tell them and I imagine all sorts of negativity. Like she will reject me, I am not in her league, she is dating someone else, we aren't meant to be, it's not natural and I am in torment because I really like her alot. It is my own distorted thinking and staying in this state of mind because I fear that I am not good enough and that I do not deserve a long-lasing, healthy and loving relationship. I turn it off because of past hurt and getting hurt again. Plus I have trust issues.
Posts: 8 | Location: Texas | Registered: September 06, 2009
Hi boriz52. I believe all change we make, whether for ourselves or others, is because we reach a pivotal point of suffering, and we simply don't want to continue along that path of suffering anymore. Distorted thinking doesn't always come from us. Other people have distorted thinking, too. If you can communicate openly and freely enough with a person to share a bit of your fear, and they can share a few of their fears, and you both recognize hurt comes with life ... we will never escape being hurt, then you will be living successfully in the precious present moment. I hope you trust yourself enough to just experience each moment and see what comes next. Trust is a gift we give ourselves, and there will never be guarantees that what we do, who we choose, or where we go is always going to work out. But the journey can be good, too. Best of luck to you.
Posts: 819 | Location: Rocky Mountains USA | Registered: June 12, 2008
hello i also have a problem with depression im trying to get better with this program. i am married with a son but as i try to get out of depression i notice my husband going into one and since i can't help myself i don't know how to help him and im scared that it could realy ruion our relationship! anyone have advice?
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