Hello I hate to always be the bummer when I write my problems or thoughts on here but lataly I have been pushed to the max!!!! My mother has a drug problem and I still live with her I have told her the problem makes me uncomfortable in my trying to heal but she disagrees. I also have a little sister that I am worried about for years I have been the Mother to my Mother and now with this anxiety I feel I need time to heal myself. She is going to seek counseling on Friday but the stress in my house is just too much I have decided to move out for awhile with my Grandparents b/c they are the most supportive, helpful loving people ever. I feel in my home I am just miserable and I cannot focus on helping myself w/ constant worry of her well being. Do you think I am being selfish? Has anyone else ever had to deal with a large problem like this in their family while having the severe anxiety and panick? Another fear I keep having is what if the stress gets to be too much and I have a nervous breakdown and just can no longer functuion? Has anyone else been here or anywhere near here? Am I making a right choice or wrong one? My therapist has advised me also to remove myself from the situation for awhile but I am still scared of hurting my Mom or in fact hurting me more by being away?PLEASE, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE I'D LOVE IT. THANKS AGAIN SO MUCH FOR THE TIME TO GET IT OUT!!

Go for it! Move out. Learn to trust your own judgement. If you always do what others tell you to rather than what you think you should, you'll never develop a foundation upon which to make decisions. So start developing this foundation now and do what you think you should. Don't allow your emotional stability to be determined by anyone or anything outside yourself. If you do you yield control to people and events not in your control. Make sense? Then go for it.

I have so been where you are right now and can really relate to what you are feeling.

I lived with an alcoholic mother during the worst part of my panic/agoraphobia and felt so trapped. The guilt trips that I allowed her to take me on, and in my house, even the smallest thing that you did for yourself that had nothing to do with her was considered being selfish. So I grew up believing that if you were being kind to yourself, you were being selfish and that was a very bad thing!

Basically, it boiled down to this. Did I care enough about myself to remove myself from an unhealthy environment so that I could focus on getting myself healthy without all the distractions and chaos that I was living in? It took some time, but that is exactly what I did and I am so glad that I did.

I will be honest with you too. I felt horribly guilty at first and endured phone calls from my mother telling me what a bad person I was, etc. I finally put a stop to it all and when she would start, I would tell her that I was sorry that she felt that way and that she could feel free to call me again when she felt better (she was usually drunk when she called). It was hard to do this, but I was tired of feeling like I was.

Have you thought about it this way, maybe by you moving in with your grandparents this will also force you mom to deal with her own demons without having you there to fall back on? This will be a stressful time for you until you adjust, but you will not have a nervous breakdown.

You sound like you have wonderful grandparents and I would take advantage of the opportunity they gave to you to give yourself the time and space to help yourself. It will be the best gift you could give to yourself. If a friend of yours were in the same boat as you, what advice would you give to them? I bet it would be to do what they could to remove themselves from the situation. So, why not the same for yourself?

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. Best wishes for what ever you decide.

Wolfie

Thanks alot Don and Wolfie! I have now moved out but I feel soooooooo guilty! Every time I see my mom I just want to ball and hug her. Is this all normal? My feelings of spaceyness scare me to death and I just am thankful that I got out but still so scared for her that I almost feel my recovery is impossible. Did you also go through this Wolfie?Thanks again

Yes, I went through the exact same thing. I felt so responsible for my mother's well being and thought well, if I was just there, these things wouldn't happen, or I could change her drinking habits. These were just lies that I told myself, because ultimately the choice was hers to make. That was very hard to let go of. I had no control over what my mother chose to do and I hated it!! The only thing you can do is control the way that you react to things. I would say that it is normal to feel some guilt, but this too shall pass. It is because you are finally starting to do some things to help yourself and this is something new for you. You are also letting go of some of the unneeded responsibilty that you have had caring for your mother. I am so proud of you that you took that first step by moving out!
That took alot of courage and you should be giving yourself a big 'ol pat on the back for making such a courageous decision. Please let me know how you are doing.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Wolfie

flojo,

Your mother is responsible for herself. You are not responsible for her. You are the child, she is the mother. The guilt you are feeling, in my opinion is not legitimate. It's abuse for a child to feel responsible for the parent. It's all wrong. You being out of the house will hopefully cause or help you Mom to get help for herself. She's an adult, she can take care of herself, no matter what her problems are. You are not being selfish by moving out. It's your Mom who is being selfish by not caring enough for you and your sister to be a Mother to you both. Instead she has selfishly chosen to continue her drug habit and left you to survive on your own. That's selfish. You are the one who's supposed to be taken care of my your Mother. Again, break this emotional dependence by staying where you are. Your emotional stability is not dependent upon anyone else but you. It's not based upon how well your Mother is doing or how bad she is doing. It can't be based upon anything except you. It comes from within not from external sources of any kind.

Thanks alot guys . I'm out now but everytime I see my Mom, she is so tired she says that she's done with all that but it makes it sooooo hard to believe her b/c she is always tired! We can never spend time together wich I really want to do b/c sha has no energy. I really would like her to be there for me but she cannnot and that really stress' me out. I can't seem to shake it from my mind. My agoraphobia is keeping me from going out and getting mind off of it. What should I do? I feel like the stress could just take me over, can it? Thanks again guys!!!

Tell her you no how much she needs you to be there for her right now, so in order for you to be there for HER , you have to make sure that you are in good shape and at this moment in time the best way for you to do that is to move out for awile. It wont mean that you are leaving her it just means you are doing something for YOU so that you can be more helpful. I love my mom but we went through some BAD problems and when I was about 18 and just had my daughter I had to move out she was stressing me out so bad my body started breaking down.

flojo,

I think it's very good that you left your Mother and are out on your own. It's sad that some of us make some poor decisions and get ourselves in trouble. I am guilty of that as well. It's normal to want to help your Mother. That's good. But I suspect that she became used to you taking care of everything for her and the only way for that dependency to be broken is for you to move out. It may have never changed otherwise. At the same time there is a danger of feeling guilty about her when you shouldn't and I see that in your not knowing if it was okay for you to take care of yourself or not. The way alcoholics or drug addicts stay that way is when someone else in the family "enables" them to stay the way they are by taking care of their responsiblities. Usually someone in the family has to confront the addict and force changes in order for them to realize that they need help. You have done that. I know that this is stressful for you, but you have done the right thing. You may have guilty feelings for a while, and it is up to you as to what you will do with that. I think they will subside after some time away. It's good to be concerned for your Mother because you love her. At the same time, it also shows love for her when she is forced to face her responsibilites and try and deal with her addiction. There is a balance here. Going over some of the tapes may help you. Tape 7 on assertiveness, tape 3 self talk, tape 9 worry and guilt. Also, if you have time, finding a book on personal boundaries may help you with guilt feelings. I believe there is one out called "Boundaries". I haven't read it, but I have heard it recommended before. Since you grew up in an unhealthy environment where your own needs weren't met this book can help you see and understand exactly what your responsibilites to yourself and to your Mother should be.

Hi-One of my secondary gains from anxiety was my Mom! I finally stood up to her and said No and the way I feel now is well she has choices in life as I do and she is the only one who can fix herself. Yes at first I felt guilty which was just a conditioned reaction by me! The way I feel about guilt now is that if I have hurt someone I apologise and if not I got no time for guilt! At one time I always put everyone elses needs first including my Mom and I came last. I do not do that anymore as I was only hurting me and at one time I thought I could fix everything for those close to me and now after recovering from anxiety and depression I realize yes I can open a door for someone but each individual has to be responsible for themselves! I spent countless hours talking to my Mom and in the end I just became so frustrated and upset! I do not do that anymore as she has to help herself!!!! I just recently had a hard choice to make re helping my Mom and I said No. At first there was still that little pang of guilt and I said to myself did I do anything to hurt her and my answer was NO so I made the choice not to feel guilty!!! Look after your needs first and it is Ok to put yourself first! Balance is so important in life and when our life gets out of balance so do we so now I have time for me and everyone else in my life who is important! Keep the Faith and do what is right for you as each ones path to recovery is different and there is no such thing as failure, only a chance to learn and grow!!!! Timber

I to have had to deal with alot of guilt feelings with my mother. I've read a book called "How to Hug a Porcupine" It teaches you how to deal with a toxic personality. It shoulds you what a good person would do and let her do the so called hateful things that she is going to do. It gives you games to play when you are around that kind of person so it dosen't effect you. Putting on the armor and gloves so that you don't get stung from her. I learned that no matter how painful I would do what a good person would do, and that is take care of your self first, and the rest is her problem.
You are doing the right thing by moving out and taking care of your own needs.

Flo,
Everyone is right, YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION! I too live with my mother who tends to benge drink often. I have learned to let my mother deal with her own problems because I'm tired of hearing about it. It took some time, but she respects me now and I respect her. The best way I learned to deal with her was to ignore her tantrums and depressive moods and undereact to her problems because remember, misery loves company, and you don't want to be caught up in that cycle of feeling guilty, right?!?
You'll really learn how to be your own best friend if you truely want to. Ask yourself what you really want....then set a goal and make it happen.

Good luke to you!
I will pray for you!

Angelkeys

(good luck to you)