I have big trust issues concerning having relationships with the opposite sex. I am afraid that the person I'm with will either cheat on me or all-together leave me for another woman. I guess I see so much of this happening around me - married people having affairs, people who have children leaving their little families to be with someone else, older men looking at younger women instead of being attracted to their [ older ] wife. I've seen the pain it's caused. I think what if that happens to ME ? I know one day I will be older. What if my [ future ] husband loses interest in me and wants a younger woman ? I don't think I could handle that. I've already been through enough. The good news is that I am willing to work on this issue. I'm determined to find a way. I know it won't be easy, but I have prayed for God's help.

I have a bf for the first time in my life (haven't kissed him yet -- too scared).

I feel guilty for not telling him about my anxiety/depression/skin picking issues.

I'm afraid if I tell him he will rejct me.

I am ashamed of my condition.

New Beginings and tahirra,
Please dont be ashamed of this condition, so many people have it and dont share it with anyone and it isolates them. And none of us have any promises of our future, as far as relationships go. You can what if yourself to the point of never having any friends or any relationships. Even people without this disorder get hurt, and life isnt perfect, we cant expect perfection and trust comes by knowing someone and if they cant be trusted then they werent worth it in the first place. But how will you ever know unless you try trusting. God never promised us we would NOT have trials and sufferings on this earth. But, he also didnt mean for us to be alone because we wont allow ourselves the opportunity to Love or Trust. God bless you both Nelly

when is the right time to tell someone about this?

i have only known him a little over 2 months, and I feel like i am living a lie.

Is it wrong not to disclose this information?

Personally, when I have a new boyfriend, I like to get everything out into the open as soon as possible. That way you don't feel like you have something to hide. I've had four boyfriends in the last 8 years that I have been in my condition and every one of them has been supportive. If they were to not be supportive and act weird about it then it would have been a clear sign that they were not worth my time. If you think this could possibly be a long term relationship and you trust this person then I would get it out asap.

New beginnings & tahira:

I was wondering if you have ever had this happen to you or someone you cared about. My parents got a divorce when I was 11 years old and it was due to my dad's infidelity, so I was somewhat suspicious at times when I started dating because that is how I thought all men were. I have to say, it is when you don't give them the trust is when they may stray, because if you think they are anyways, they may think what the heck, I might as well. You have to have confidence in yourself honey, you have to realize your worth! If you truly are not trusting this person, than it will not work because you will always have doubts, but if you talk about your insecurity on this issue, you may have a clearer view and may be able to trust! There must be trust. And NO MORE What If's!!!! A negative will only follow the What if! believe in you! believe you are worthy of respect and fidelity!! Tahirra: I think that you should just tell your boyfriend of your anxiety, it is nothing to be ashamed about or embarrassed about, everyone has it. If you don't it will cause you more anxiety trying to hide it. never hide from who or what you are! be proud of who you are, so what, you have anxiety, and along with that, you probably posess many outstanding qualities. have confidence in yourself and if this guy is afraid of it and can't handle it, he isn't for you. It is times like this when you figure out what kind of people you are dealing with. Who knows, he could be awesome and may even be able to help alleviate some it. Good luck to both of you and Remember to believe in yourself!
Kristen okanxiety@aol.com

I have a big problem with trusting my boyfriend, or any man for that matter. It's caused a lot of problems in my relationship in the past, thankfully most of that's behind us now. My boyfriend left me a couple of years ago, he started seeing someone else right away, even though we were still living together. He later realized that he was still loved and he came back to me. Since then, he's been wonderful! I couldn't ask for a better man. It took me over a year to get over my really bad anxiety over him even going to a friends house. Even though I was always invited, I couldn't go because of my anxiety/panic attacks. My man has been there for me through so many things and I can't help but to trust in him now. We were only apart for a short time, but that time helped him to realize what I meant to him. It doesn't always work that way, believe me I know, but I'm so grateful that it did this time. exoticdomestic@yahoo.com

quote:

Originally posted by New Beginnings:
[qb]I have big trust issues concerning having relationships with the opposite sex. I am afraid that the person I'm with will either cheat on me or all-together leave me for another woman. I guess I see so much of this happening around me - married people having affairs, people who have children leaving their little families to be with someone else, older men looking at younger women instead of being attracted to their [ older ] wife. I've seen the pain it's caused. I think what if that happens to ME ? I know one day I will be older. What if my [ future ] husband loses interest in me and wants a younger woman ? I don't think I could handle that. I've already been through enough. The good news is that I am willing to work on this issue. I'm determined to find a way. I know it won't be easy, but I have prayed for God's help.[/qb]

Lot of "what-ifing" going on. Can you see you are leting anxiety ruin your precious present moments by having you take a look into the future and paint a grim picture? You are insecure about relationships and that is normal. But don't let it stop you from trying. Listen to Lesson 8 again. Keep trying to live in the moment. You cannot change the future by worrying about it.

Tammy

Thanks so much everyone. I appreciate all your advice and compassion.

Cricket : Wow, I never thought of just being honest with my [ future ] boyfriend. Letting my guard down in that area is hard. Admitting that I struggle with jealousy and lack of trust is embarrassing for me. I think a lot of this has to do with my past of men PURPOSELY TRYING TO get me jealous. So I'm trying to deal with the root. Ya know ?

Baked Pears : Thanks for the reminder of not having such a negative view and painting grim pictures. What you said was encouraging too. Working on the trust thing ... it's hard when I've seen so many men who have not been trustworthy, but I suppose I could focus on the ones who HAVE been loyal, right ?

cricket: i don't just have anxiety
I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed with dysthymia accompanied by major depressive episodes. I also have social phobia as well as generalized anxiety disorder.
I pick @ my skin (self destructive behavior). I am currently on meds and go totherapy once per week to help me with these problems.

I THOUGHT OF WRITING HIM A LETTER, BUT I AM AFRAID HE WILL REJeCT ME/LEAVE ME

T,

Instead of wearing your anxiety, depression, sad,gad issues as a badge, why don't you let things with your boyfriend just evolve. People don't need to know everything about us. There are probably things about you that he really likes and these things don't have labels or initials. Just a thought.

thanks for the advice. It seems that if I am not obsessing about this, I will focus on something else in a nnegative way, and make myself sick over it.

I also have issues with cheating/abandonment. I think it has a lot to do with what I like to call "the decay of our society". Everywhere you look is sex sex sex. I work on computers (usually fixing virus situations) and am appalled at the amount of porn on peoples hard drives (including my husband!). There is a huge lack of morals these days. I have numerous friends and relatives that change spouses/partners as often as they change their socks. No one seems to truly know love (unconditional love). In my opinion, our society has made it so easy and acceptable to divorce and re-marry that no one is willing to work out problems and work on relationships anymore. It is so easy to quit and start over. Before marrying I had experienced both sides of the coin...being cheated on, and having an affair with a married man (20 years later I still feel the guilt). But now that I am married I am often consumed with worry that my husband will leave me for a younger prettier woman...what do you do with those feelings? It's not something to easily put out of your mind.

There's no way I'd put up with my husband looking at porn. Heck No !

Also, I totally agree with you [ about it having to do with the decay of our society.] For me, finding a guy I can trust [ and that I like ] is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I am trying not to be so negative, but it seems reality that that's the way it is. I sure hope I'm wrong.