Sometimes I wonder how many times I will continue to worry about the same thing over and over and then feel so quilty because of my actions. Here is my problem.I have tried so hard to stay out of my grown children's business because before I went through the program, I almost lost a relationship with one of my sons by worrying and trying to control situations that weren't mine to control. Now another son is not living as he should (alcoholism) and my daughter in law continues to cry on my shoulder that he does this and that.Although I only am getting one side of the situation, (which I don't want to know any sides) I have yet again stuck my nose in where I shouldn't have by worrying and trying to control. I e-mailed my son and told him what I thought, even though I knew it was wrong to do so. After he received it, he called and I felt so bad for him. He is trying to recover from the alcohol but his wife never even mentioned that. I just feel so guilty for number one being roped back into letting people dump their problems on me that make me worry so much I feel as if I need to do something to control the situation and number two risking losing my son and hurting his feelings.
Now the guilt has set in and I know I can't take back what was said. I have apologized for what it's worth, but I need to stop this vicious circle before it starts again. My problem is I care too much. Thanks for listening.

Kids you can't live with'em and you can't shoot them I'm not making light of your situation, trust me. I am a father of 3...two are on their own (so to speak ) and I have a young one at home. First off, when it comes to kids I think worry is just part of parenting. The key is to not over analyze and make more out of a situation then is really there. If you meant what you said stick to it...don't beat yourself up over stating how you feel. You have that right!! Furthermore, it is right to extend a helping hand to those who need it. Let me ask this, in confronting your son did you suggest solutions? I make it a point to not address someone else's problem unless I can suggest a solution. You take care and hang in there.

Guess what? I raised three girls who have literaly drove me crazy!! My mother used to say she hoped I had a dozen just like me and guess what?? They were twice as bad or worse!! Maybe some day they will realize that parents are not so stupid as I come to believe and straighten-up!
I really love them but I have come to realize that
it is their life and I cannot live it for them. but being a mother I still worry.

Susie

Thanks Optimistic and Susie for your encouraging words. I know this may sound terrible to say, but if I had of known how much worry and heartache I would be put through with these grown sons (actually only 2 have worried me to no end), I would have just bought some puppies. They don't lie to you, they just love you.
I will be the first to admit that I have worried more than was called for because that has been my nature all my life. Then after I confront the person about the problem, I feel so guilty that I apologize. I am working to conquer this. Being a parent is a hard job. You can tell when something just isn't right. I know it is their life to live the way they choose, but this particular son has gone from the rock of the family to someone I really don't know anymore.
He has it all - a career he dreamed up from 3 yrs old (a med student now), a wife that loves him unconditionally, a nice house, car, etc. I guess the thing he is missing is his Higher Power. He has lied so much,it is hard to distinquish the truth anymore.The trust is gone.
Maybe he will build that back up one day.I do know the way he is living at this moment has not only affected his wife but the entire family worries about him. I guess all I can do is pray for him and try to start thinking of myself before I keep repeating the worrying process over and over . I love my daughter in law dearly but I do need to also set up some boundaries in order to keep my sanity. I know she wants only to talk about her problems because she is hurting. I do want to be there for her but I can't let her dump the problems on me to start worrying about. Thanks for listening and I pray that God will give me the courage to speak when needed without feeling guilty and keep my mouth shut the other times.

P.S. TO OPTIMISTIC

The answer to your question as to whether I have offered solutions to my son's problems, I have and also my daughter in law. Daughter in law is very appreciative, but son doesn't want to hear anything and will start arguing and get off the phone. But as a parent I do feel that if I just ignore the things he is doing that is destroying his life and pretend nothing is wrong, I am not being the parent God intended me to be. Thanks again.

Smama...don't be so hard on yourself I am sure your just the parent God intended for you to be. Use some positive self talk, know that you are special and that you are worthy of feeling good. Take care and good luck...it will all be fine in the end

THANKS OPTIMISTIC
Your encouraging words made my feeble brain remember in which direction I need to be going.
Wish me luck!!!!!!! Sheila

Smama,
I am a mother of young ones, 7 & 8, but I can remember my mom going thru endless worrying over me. Worrying is part of our job as moms. I will tell you, my husband's parents never gotinvolved with his life, they didn'twant to interfere, but I will tell you, that made my husband feel as if they didn't care. His parents were only trying to give him space, butat the same time, were making him feel like they weren't interested.
I will tellyou this: You can only feel guilty if you allow yourself to. If your son is having an issue with alcohol, you are showing him you care and that you love him and want a betterlife for him. But, tothe person at the time who is having an issue with alcohol, it does feel like people are butting in and criticizing because they don't want to see or hear the truth. Sometimes tough love has to come into play. Please do NOT feel guilty for caring! I think deep down he would feel worse ifyou didn'temail him or say something, because then, he would feel unworthy.
Hang in there, do NOT FEEL GUILTY!
Kristen
www.carefreeanxietycoaching.com

Thanks so much Kristen Your reply made me realize I'm not trying to butt in and control, I'm just worried about him and don't want to see anything happen to him. Hope he will eventually realize it too. God Bless. Sheila