I am about to talk about something that I have never told anyone and that no one knows about but me and the people involved. I have been carrying heavy guilt,worry and fear my whole adult life over this. Please don't judge, but I could use some advice on how to forgive myself.

When I was a child about 8 I guess and my cousin was about 5, we experimented with each other.... played doctor so to speak. Although it was mutual and no one forced anyone to do anything, when I was old enough to realize what I had done, I have felt horrible about myself ever since.

I know experimentation and curiosity about sex is normal for children. For some reason, I just can't get this out of my head that I did something really wrong. It effect my sex life with my husband today. I view sex as dirty. I think it goes back to this time in my life.

It does end there. I also experimented in early adolescense about age 11 with girl friends of mine. I wonder if I am the only one who feels weird about it now. I know I am not gay and I know it was all innocent, but I cannot shed this veil of disgust and guilt.

I feel a slight weight off my shoulders having confessed this as I have carried it over 20 years. Can anyone share something similar? Or am I really the freak I think I am and deserve punishment?

I think the best thing you could have done was get on here and confess what you did. i dont think there was anything wrong what you did. Like you said you where young and you experimented. You also said that you know it was all innocent. You just needed to let it out cause it bothered you so much. But know your not a bad person and especially not a freak and you should be proud you got it off your chest.

I have not experienced what you are talking about but I wanted to respond because at the end you asked if you "deserve punishment". Absolutely not. You were only 8 years old and the other child was 5.

You obviously have a different view on this now because you are older and you know differently. When you were younger you didn't know and that's o.k. I don't think you should go on and punish yourself for this. Also, when you were 11 I think you were just curious about sex and so were your girlfriends. It's not the first time I've heard girls at the age doing things like that so I wouldn't be overly concerned about it.

We've all done things that we regret looking back but don't fault yourself for things you did when you were a child. You are not a freak and you do not deserve punishment.

Thank you so much Brooklyn and GI. You don't know how much it means to me to hear from others that I am not a monster. I am in tears at the moment. I have held this in for sooooooooooooo long, I haven't even told my therapists over the years about it because I worried about them judging me or locking me up for being a child molester although I was a child myself. I was scared to death of what people would think of me. The only reason I revealed it here was because I knew no one would ever know who I was. I did know that this was holding me back from becoming the me I truly wanted to be. Any time I heard my cousin was having difficulty with men, I blamed myself. I thought I had turned her gay somehow. I also had extreme guilt over it being a realtive. The other times were friends, they still bothered me, but not as much as the one when I was 8. I hope she doesn't remember it since she was only 5. I would hate to have caused another person to hate themselves for over 20 years like I have. Thank you for listening and not judging.

Hi Hawaiihereicome, (love that!)
Please try to not let this bother you so much. You are OK. You are a good person! Please don't beat yourself up for something so long ago. Look at the courage it took for you to come on and say this that has been bothering you for so long! You were a child. Did you read Nature's post for this session 9 topic? I think it was in April 2008? It is very much like your situation. There is a lot of comfort and encouragement in the responses there.

I just finished reading nature's post and the responses. Thank you so much inspiration. I felt that I was the only one in the world who had done these things and who felt so guilty about them. I feel very similar to nature in that I thought I was a sicko. I thought I had ruined my cousin's life and everyone elses. I am going to have a hard time forgiving myself still, but at least I know now that I am not the only one and that people are more understanding that I thought they would be. I am very comforted by all of your words and hopefully now I can move forward.

WOW, me to. I was 7 or 8. It was a thing the neighborhood girls were doing(playing doctor). I even confessed it to my mother at age 10 because it bothered me so much. She said all kids play doctor and not to worry. And belive it or not these thoughts of that still come into my head at times, like when I cant sleep and Im obsessing about things from the past. You are for sure not alone and I actually feel a little better knowing Im not alone with this either. I know its very hard to open up about the things that we feel guilty about from our past but maybe thats part of the healing. process.

But the things I did in the past could still hurt me now if certain people found out ---So how do I release THAT guilt?

quote:

Originally posted by Nicholene:
WOW, me to. I was 7 or 8. It was a thing the neighborhood girls were doing(playing doctor). I even confessed it to my mother at age 10 because it bothered me so much. She said all kids play doctor and not to worry. And belive it or not these thoughts of that still come into my head at times, like when I cant sleep and Im obsessing about things from the past. You are for sure not alone and I actually feel a little better knowing Im not alone with this either. I know its very hard to open up about the things that we feel guilty about from our past but maybe thats part of the healing. process.

That I dont know, releasing guilt for me is a hard one. That kind of guilt is deep within and I have it too for a different situation. I bury mine deep inside and I know that isnt the right thing to do. What has helped me is to do this program and learn to control my anxiety which is partly caused by my guilt. Maybe someone else can help with suggestions on guilt. I do feel for you. Nicki

I dido everything so far especially GI822, well said. We all seem to carry something instead of letting go and moving on. It's time to move forward, in a positive direction. Something learned here is that your kids someday or nephews/nieces might be in that situation. Think of how you would handle these situations after going through your past experience, ok?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Chief Crazy Horse,

Im still thinking about this, You were just a kid not an adult when this happened. Kids are kids do not do things to hurt anybody, they are just learning about thier world around them. I have kids and do understand kids. Most kids are harmless but just learning. Yesterday my son and his friend were shooting toy guns, his friend was shooting lizards and so he did it to. He came to me last night all upset about killing the lizard so we talked about it for a while so he would feel better, Iknow what he did was wrong but I felt better knowing he felt bad about it and I know he wont do it again. He is my soft at heart child and know he was just experimenting. I know people are different than the lizard but what Im trying to say is that you were just a child. Nicki

My opinion is that this is all normal behavior for children growing up. I also experimented and played with my first cousin {male) when I was about 5 or so. As far as I can remember it was only once. We have a great relationship today and we're both age 58. When I was 12 I also was briefly involved with a boy my age and in my grade at school. It was him who initiated the sex, but I was a willing participant. This occurred when I would spend the night with him on a weekend. We had been friends since very young. It didn't last long, just adolescents experimenting. I am very much heterosexual. This was just part of growing up, no big deal as I see it.

You're being very hard on yourself. I hope you can reach a point that you can forgive yourself for normal growing up experimentation. It's not a big deal. But I realize it is to you right now. Kudos to you for having the courage to share. You need to forgive yourself and let go of this guilt. You're okay, normal.

I agree with Don57- You're being too hard on yourself. I also had similar experiences when I was young with a neighbor who was my age. I never thought much of it later, as it was not violent, abusive, or forced and just chalked it up to being young and curious. I can see where it could worry people now days though because there is so much in the news about this kind of thing, but there is a difference between harmful acts and brief experimentation when we are young and curious. Forgive yourself you did no harm.

I wanted to respond to "I Streight" and for those who are reading this and holding on to your own guilt. If you are a believer, you must know that there is NO such thing as a sin that is unforgiveable. God will forgive you if you ask for it.

I personally have found that confessing what I've done, as Hawaiihereicome has done (whether here or in a confessional or to a minister or a dear friend - or whatever you feel comfortable) is such an important part of losing the guilt and moving on! Even the twelve step programs are based in this.

It is important to find someone who you trust.

May God bless us all in our search for forgiveness.

hawaiihereicome:

Interesting post. In my life, I have been on the receiving end of this type of thing (but I am not your female cousin of course). It never occured to me that the boy on the other side of the equation would feel guilt after 20 years (in my case more like 40 years).

But you should let this go. Your guilt does not help your female cousin. Your guilt does not help you. I could argue that by letting go of your guilt you would be helping your own children, because then they could have a complete father (as opposed to one who is living a life at less than potential).

Just let it go. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

K