Hi All!
haven't been on in ages.
This is the topic that I can't get passed. Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation I find that my mind instead of dealing with the stress at hand takes me back to the past... and I am talking about when I was 11, 12, or 13... and relives my horrid behavior as a pre-teen.
I know that everyone hormonally goes thru alot of changes at that time and because my folks were going thru a seperation during those years there wasn't anyone to help me really deal with all the emotional stress. What drives me nuts is that I was such a mean little brat during that time. I was angry at everyone and took it out on anyone that got in my way. Unfortunatley for me there is no one to apologize to so in times of stress I anguish over the guilt of being such a bully. It's stupid and in my mind it's probably 20 times worse then it really was but I can't help but feel guilty.
Does this make sense to anyone?
I also feel guilty over the slightest thing that I do wrong now. The slightest driving offense or wrong word throws me into a panic for days.
I am so tired of beating myself up for not being nice enough or whatever...
well I don't know what else to say.. probably gonna worry that you all think I am a horrid person...
anyone have some words of wisdom to get me over this hump in my life?
thanks for listening

Hi BonBon. I struggled with this exact same thing. I am sorry you are feeling this way.

One afternoon while I was having my first panic attacks (4 day hospital stay followed by two months of hell) I was walking in the woods with my mother and I opened my mouth and every guilty thing I ever felt came pouring out. "I am sorry I didn't attend your best friends funeral. I am sorry that I hated all of your previous boyfriends. I am sorry I got drunk the night before your second wedding and I was obnoxious when I did arrive. I went on and on." She stopped walking and turned toward me and said "Your concerns are not valid. Do not trouble yourself with these things."

Just like that I let them go.

Perhaps it might help to keep the words of Lucinda in mind "the precious present moment." Worrying about the future - guilty about the past. Do not trouble with yourself with these things. I know that sounds easy written like that but think about the big red stop sign. Place this sign up on those types of thoughts. These are alarming messages that you are sending to yourself. Alarming messages that are not valid. Stay in the precious present moment.

shawn.

Thanks for the note.
I know that that is the truth and that my worries are really unfounded... I guess I've hung on to them for so long that I've made myself the worst person alive. When the truth is I am not a bad person...
The weird thing I find is that when there is present-stress around me that is when I am freaking out about stupid things I've said and done in the past. I know it's something to divert my attention it's still just so hard to get passed the anxiety and guilt.
But I am determined to.
This will give you a good laugh. Normally I don't smoke, but for some reason it seemed like a good idea last night. So I sat outside my front door ...not really enjoying a smoke; I tossed it out and then go in to get ready for bed. I then proceeded to go outside every 5 minutes or so for the next hour to make sure I hadn't caught anything on fire... totally obsessing over it... felt like I was going crazy or something. It's funny, but aggravating because I was so worried that I was about to catch the whole house on fire.
so there you have it ...
my ocd moment on top of guilt/anxiety feelings I've been dealing with all day. Wish I could just see it as stress and deal with it that way
any way, I am babbling...

better go
thanks again for chatting and listening