Hi,
I am actually on lesson 7, but this is a huge guilt issue!! I currently live in Ohio, but we are planning to move to the Bay area, in CA this summer. We actually lived there in 05-06 and loved it!! But the cost of housing was super high and I got pregnant with our third child. I really didn't want to feel like I 'have' to work, so we decided to go back to Ohio (after much prodding by my mom who lives in Ohio). Several times in the months that we came back, we asked ourselves if we had made a mistake. We had planned to rent a house that my mom had found and it turned out to be in poor condition, so we ended up buying our first house. We've lived here for 21 long, mostly cold months.

Now, my mom has known for the past 6 months of our intentions and she still won't accept it. Anytime I say anything about it, she starts crying and saying that she will never know the kids and they will grow up without grandparents, ect... She says that she will be sad forever and it will never be the same. I told her that she is CHOOSING to be unhappy. I mean, my goodness, we could live in Africa and her grandchildren could be dying of AIDS, at least they are safe and healthy and happy.

Even though I know that her reaction is her decision, it causes me (recovering people pleaser) much guilt. I don't want her to be unhappy, but it isn't fair to me to stay in Ohio and hate the weather and be unhappy. I also had much less anxiety when we lived there even though I was working nights and sleeping 5 hours a night. With the stress of moving and trying to find a house and a job, I really don't need this extra stress.

I'm sure nothing can be done to ease the situation, but if you have an suggestions, they are certainly welcome!!

Ocean

You need to do what is best for you. You could always suggest to her that she is free to move to California if she can't bear to be that far away from you - I'd make it clear you aren't extending an invitation for her to move in with you! lol.
Separation from loved ones is always hard at the beginning but with technology she is only a webcam or phone call away.

ok this really helped me b/c i m very devoted to my family but very different. realize this.

when your mom was with her parents she still did what was BEST FOR HER LIFE
and now you must do the same. tell her you love her, but give yourself permission to live your life. how she reacts is HER DECISION and her cross to bear. just as she made her own choices so must you. it's a freeing feeling.

Is there a chance at some point your mother would want to move to Calif also? You may want to suggest this to her and it may ease her mind, as it would give her an option for the future.

quote:

ad much less anxiety when we lived there even though I was working nights and sleeping 5 hours a night. With the stress of moving and trying to find a house and a job, I really don't need this extra stress.

It's your life -she will learn to accept it with
time & just reassure her that you will visit and
that she can always come to visit also.
It is perfectly normal for her to feel this way
but she needs to accept it -in the mean time don't feel guilty and get on with your life.

Thank-you ALL for your replies!!! I truly appreciate it! Yes, I have told her that we will come back and that they are always welcome to visit. She replies with, "I don't care! Seeing the kids 3 times a year isn't the same!" I've even told her that perhaps when we buy, we could buy a home with an inlaw unit and they could live there, but she won't have that either. She really likes Ohio and the changing seasons...plus my 2 siblings live here, so she would be leaving her other 2 kids. Now, my siblings are both married and neither have kids yet, so I'm hoping that once that happens (and it sounds like they both want to very soon, like within the next year), she will be fine again.

The real kicker is that she is a teacher and so she has 3 months off in the summer!! When we lived there before, she came out to visit for 6 days and then left.

Yes, she has been able to live her life. It's hard because the rest of my family could care less about the beautiful mountains and the ocean. It brings me closer to God. I just love it, and I feel peaceful. I remember when I was working in San Jose and in the mornings after all of my babies were fed and asleep (I worked in a NICU) and I was waiting for the day shift nurse to take my place, I would look out of the window at the mountains so close by and the palm trees. The sun was glorious in the mornings.

I also told her that we can call her all of the time. She retorted that, "the kids won't even want to talk to us because they won't know us and they won't care about us anymore." Her attitude is really in the victim mode. For the record, she also has had years of panic attacks and anxiety. I think that she needs the skills of this program to realize how juvenile her attitude truly is. At one point she told me not to come to her funeral when she dies because 'we won't know each other anymore", she also said that it will be like we are dead to her.

ARGH!!!! My husband also has continued working for his employer in CA since we moved, as he's a software engineer and has the telecommuting option. He really wants to be back in the office as they are starting a really big project this summer and he won't have a large part if he isn't present. Plus, he loves Cali perhaps even more than I do.

Anyhow, thank you so much for reassuring my feelings that this is MY life and I do have a right to make choices for my life... Assertively of course, not aggressively!!

Take care,
Ocean

Your mother is, sadly, being very selfish. This is your life. You need to do what is best for you and your family (ie - husband, children). Would your mother be happy is you stayed and were miserable, which led to depression and more anxiety on your end...possible marital strife because of your unhappiness and that of your family, children suffering as a result? Would THAT be a good scenario for her? I think the best you can do is assure her that you and the kids love her and always will. Say, this is what is best ofr us and for our happiness and that doesn't mean that we don't value your happiness, butr everyone has to make their own joy and their own way in life. We will do what we can to keep a good, constant, loving relationship between you and the grandkids and I hope you will do your part in that too! Millions of grandparents survive living away from their grandkids (and many enjoy it more - LOL)...this is not the end of the world. She possibly has to face her own fears of being alone or having no one love her - maybe you could reassure her on those lines?

Best wishes and enjoy the sun and warm weather in Cali!!!

Dawn

Hi Dawn,
Thank-you so much for your comments! You had responded to another one of my posts and I really appreciated your words of wisdom. You are right of course, but I still wrestle with feelings of being the 'bad' guy. I really realized it 2 days ago when I was talking to my mom on the phone and explaining how my 7 year old is really fearful of storms and tornadoes (yup, he's gonna be a candidate for anxiety!). She said, "tell him that it makes grandma feel bad that he's afraid of them."

I was shocked!!! I wonder how many times she said that to me as a child and why I feel so guilty about everything!! Yet another reason to leave, so that she can't try to 'parent' him what I would say is the wrong way. She was trying to get him to stop, but not by being logical (obviously). I know growing up, I always had to be perfectly polite and kind to everyone even if they weren't to me. She always said that if someone is being really mean, then you should just smile and be kind to them. I agree to a degree, but listening to my assertiveness tape, I think I definitely need to be assertive when people are rude like that!

The first time we moved to Cali, she wouldn't even talk to me for awhile. Or she would just get on the phone and say hi and ask how the kids are doing in a completely unenthusiastic voice and then say goodbye. She's always been this drama queen, it makes me wonder if that is why I felt so much better in Cali!

I think that my parents need to become foster parents. My mom always said that she would have had a dozen kids if they hadn't been so poor (back when only my dad was working).
Thanks for the reinforcement. I will re-read everyone's responses every time I start feeling the guilt creep up!

Ocean

ocean,
I know too well how you feel,my mom has always loaded me down with guilt.I just got off the phone with her because she hung up on me,I need to know how to be firm and not unkind but what ever I say she turns it around on me let me tell you how she is I don't want to take away from your post,was wanting to find a place to post this I need to vent,
my mom is in the nursing home she is 83 yrs old I was hoping she would never end up there for one thing she is controling and doesn't want to abide by there rules.I have 2 older sisters and they have never helped alot always left everything to me,I think she is a source of a lot of my panic attacks and phobias,as a small child I can remember being so sinstive I felt like everyone was better than me we were very poor,my dad died when I was 10 years old he was the best of my parents,mom drawed social security on me and my brother who was 2 years older than me,when he became 18 he did't want to finish high school he dropped out and she lost his check,then when I became 16 I had been dating my current husband for a year,we decided to get married I was going to drop out of school get a job and couldn't wait to get on with my life,she was 46 years old didn't have a job depending on the income she drawed.she had never worked at a public job her whole life.I didn't care at the time I think it was very selfish of me didn't know how she would live,but I was doing my thing and looking bad I have a lot of quilt over her losing income I have told her one time I was sorry I am not the person I was back then,I wish I was half that person,she is very negative she was afraid of storms guess what I am too,she always only thought about herself,I never realized how negative I was until I got the program and becoming a christian I really examined my self and started trying to consider other peoples feelings but you have to becareful because you become a people pleaser,
getting back to the current thing with mom she can't get alone with no one her father was very mean,she had a diffuclt life and I think because of this she has become bitter,her family left her and moved to michigan,she is very bitter about that she holds that against them she was married and had my oldest sister,she said they went up there but couldn't find any where to live,she has always did what she wanted never could make friends now in the nursing home she couldn't get alone with one neighbor she moved to another room,now she wants to move to the basement she does't like her nurse she picks on her she took her donut cushion away which they said she could not have,she still brings that up and that has been 2 years ago.she stopped taking her medicine saying she didn't diabetise high blood pressure it is alot better but I tell her it is because of the medicine, she has congestive heart failure and they are watching her fluid intake and she says they took her pitcher away and everyone else has one she doesn't even want her room mate sitting next to her and she told the aide that she told her she had a rite to that room she doesn't consider anyone elses feelings but her own she needs a private room but they cost 300.00 more a month and we can't afford it.
I feel sorry for her because of the bad life she has had and because I caused her to lose her income,I need to get rid of the quilt I think all this stress is makimg my anxiety worse this has been going on for over 2 years I have went and talked to her I have lost my temper with her I have been afriad she would lose her room because she would not coperate.she was in there for rehab and stopped taking the exercise she is still there by the grace of God sorry this was long my husaband and my daughter don't want to hear this and I wanted some one elses oponion I feel a little silly writing this I have even put my daughter and husband before my self I have tried so hard to be a good mother still treating her like she is a child.If all this quilt was off me I may be more able to heal. sorry this was so long

Wow, it's great that you and your husband enjoy CA so much. It's too bad that your mom can't appreciate that right now. She may come around.
It sounds like CA suits you. I hope it all goes well!

Hello Ocean:
I think you should go live where you and your husband want to . You should feel no guilt.
Your Mom is acting like a spoiled brat. She has other children near by.
I think you should just ignow her pouting and complaining and trying to control you and your little family. The more you try to pacify her the worse she'll act. Trying to get her way.

I have a daughter living in New Mexico and one in Arizona. I live in Texas. They have a right to their life. I had my chance. When we love our children we let them be free. I miss my grandchildren. I love all 7 of them.
But I don't want to cripple them by hanging onto to them so that they can't experience adventure. I don't see my great-grandchildren much but I love them.
Like the program teaches, I am my own best friend and my happiness is accepting life on life's terms.
Your Mom can love you just as much no matter what State you move to. There is email, telephones and airplanes. We live in a small world anymore.
Go whereever you want and do not burden yourself with guilt. Do the best you can and honor your mother and love her. But I wouldn't cater to her pouting and control issues.
Wishing you a happy move!
MJ

Ocean,

You have to do what is best for you and your family. Maybe telling your mom that she is more than welcome to come and visit may help a little. Have you explained how unhappy you are where you live now? I think you should tell her that you HAVE to do what is best for you and your family and that you are sorry she is sad but that is the only way that you will be happy. Sometimes parents don't want to hear that we are happier away from where they live. I understand that it may make them upset but sometimes you have to say the way you feel and it sounds to me like you are SOOOO UNHAPPY where you are so being elsewhere with your family is the best thing for your kids. I hope that this helps.

Jennifier

Thank you all so much for replying. Forever young, I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much in your life. And you were not being selfish at 16, you were being a teenager! Besides, the fact that your mom was not longer able to collect ss money is not your fault!! She could have easily gotten a job, ease up on yourself hon!!

MC Grace, thanks so much for your well wishes!!

Cornflower,
Thanks for your reply! I've also told her that many grandparents don't live 40 mins from their grandkids (our current situation) and everyone makes out just fine! I'm glad that you are able to allow your children breathing room!! I know that in this situation, it isn't me that she wants to see, it's my children. I lived in Portland, OR for about 3 months 8 years ago and my parents never even asked about coming to visit. Within 5 weeks of us moving to Cali, she was out to visit! I'm trying to do lots of things with her during our remaining time, trying to make the most of it!!!

Jennifer,
Yes, she knows that we aren't really that happy. But, I guess she's just too sad to see through that, I don't know. My husband really really hates it here, I was the reason we came back, and now I wish we never had. But I'm trying to put the past behind me and move on (which is very hard for me).

Take care everyone!!!
Ocean

ugh I so relate to your mom guilt issue. My mother is JUST like this. My brother joe is 24 im 22 yet Im expected to whenever he has a mental crisis be the one who calls him and talks him back from the ledge. Joe has been spoiled his whole life while my mother taught me to be responsible for things I really shouldnt have been, (ie taking care of my little brother and sister everyday all summer when I just turned 12) However I love that now because I am more independent and capable than alot of people my age.
I love my brother to death and have on several occasions talked him through problems yet he is depressed because he has to pay his credit card, student loans and rent. Welcome to being 20 something!! However my mother feels like she has to hold his hand and got really pissed at me for telling her to let go and let him experience life. She took my advice and now he wont talk to her anymore and she says its my fault!!!
I havent talked to her in a few days and im not going to give in to her manipulation but I know how our convo will go . she will say that she counsels me when im anxious and scared so I should do the same for him. Yet im NOT his mother and thats what mothers do for their children! Give them emotional support. sorry for the rant Im just glad for the day when I have a kid that I will know this lesson and not treat my child like this. ahh! (ha ha)

ps

I live in the bay area and its great !! Come back!!

Good Luck!