i feel like i'm the only one suffering from something that no one else seems to. i mean, we're all suffering from basically the same thing-anxiety disorders and/or depression, but my specific situation i have yet to read about or hear anyone talk about. i get so much help from many here on the board and with the program. there are definitely things l learn from it and that help me. i haven't even finished the program yet, but i know it will help me with a lot of things, but it might now with what disturbs me most.
i suffer from guilt, worry and analyzing over my thoughts. they're not thoughts about my health- mentally or phhysically, thoughts about flying or getting out of the house, and they're not scary obsessive thoughts. they're thoughts that i think are bad or sinful- whatever you want to call it. thoughts that pop up in my head and create an unwanted feeling before i have time to realize what i just thought. there's no way i or anyone can control all of our thoughts and feelings, i understand this, but i still can't help but wonder how i could of thought that and it not be a sign that i'm not as good of a person as i thought i was and as i'd like to be.
2 days ago i started getting afraid that maybe i'm bi-polar. it troubled me a little here in there, but for the most part i was okay. late that night as i'm doing laundry i start to think what if my kids get anxiety disorder or even worse-bipolar. the very next thing i know- a feeling of relief comes over me thinking that "as long as it's not me who has bipolar."
how on earth could i of thought such a thing?
this is what i suffer from. not irrational, violent or aggressive thinking. just my flow of "normal" thoughts about fears or other stuff. it's hard for me to put into words, but i hope you understand what i'm trying to get at.
i know that bad thoughts are a part of being human. i know that though i felt that relief, a few seconds later i felt just the opposite. i would never wish such a thing or any kind of suffering on anyone- let alone my own children.
i know that, but then at the same time, how do i know for sure since i thought such a thing.
i guess what i'm searching and looking for is an answer to how can someone have selfish, cruel and cold- hearted thoughts and still be a really good and loving person? sometimes i understand it's possible, and sometimes it just doesn't seem so. i can deal with a certain amount of bad thoughts and feelings, but some cross the line for me. the feeling of relief i got from my thought about bipolar disorder and my kids seems to have gone way to far. how could i think such a thing and worse- how could i have felt relief from that thought?
it's such a battle for me because i more than anything want to be a good human being- a good mother. i don't want to have such bad thoughts and feelings because they hurt me so much to have. they totally go against the kind of person i want to be and i try to be, but does wanting and trying to be a good person make me so? is that good enough? i believe at the heart and soul of me, i am good. why do i need my thoughts to be good or at least not cross a certain line?
i can get on with my days pretty well. moments of feeling good. moments of clarity. but most of the time this all weighs heavliy on my mind. i feel like such a bad person. when i suffered from scary, obsessive thoughts, it really troubled me, but i knew that it was just a radical way of not facing what was really bothering me. the thoughts i'm having now aren't my way of doing that now. they're just random thoughts and they're bad. it doesn't make sense to me how i can be so good and loving, yet have such selfish, horrible thoughts- even if they just pop up before i have time to stop them.
the thoughts aren't so bad, it's the feelings they produce. why did i feel relief for a few seconds before i realized it, then felt disgust with myself for such a feeling. i'm looking at my kids right now with feelings of such love for them, but can't get over how i could of thought and felt such a thing, which then makes me question the amount of my love for them. sometimes- usually at night i get such clarity. everything makes sense and somehow i feel how good and okay i am, but most if the day i'm just so torn and confused.
please help with advice or thoughts if you can. i know this is my same old story, but it just keeps troubling me. is it possible to be a good, loving person (especially mother), but feel such selfish, horrible things once in a while?

lyn

What you are describing is no different than what each of us has had to deal with. Really, you probably feel alone in this but you are no different than the rest of us. We are all trying to learn to underreact to our thoughts. Not beat ourselves up for them and for not being perfect. We have these expectations of ourselves that is usally blown way out of reality. How can you expect yourself to never have a bad thought? So what if you thought that. Do you neglect your kids? Are they always dirty? Underfed? Do you beat them? scream at them? No, you dont do any of those things. You cannot base your self worth on stupid thoughts that pop in and out of your head. YOu know right from wrong. YOu are just learning and I am still learning. Give yourself a break and be compassionate to you. You are ok!
Hugs, Reena

sometimes i have thoughts of killing my wife or kids...lol. I too have had thoughts such as, "better they suffer, than me", or "I'd sure hate to be them"...we all have these thoughts....you need to find the humor in some of these thoughts...you KNOW that you dont mean it....since we are basically what we do, not what we think. Dont follow these thoughts...think it, and let iy go. Your actions supercede your thoughts. Let go....If you werent a good, caring, loving, conciencious person, you wouldnt be struggling with anxiety. LOVE YOURSELF.

Hi
I'm sorry you felt that bad thought about bi-polar disorder. But I am bi-polar and so was my mother. She was a beautiful person. You would have had manic episodes if you were, so you aren't. Also, it is treatable and we aren't homocidal maniacs or suicidal-murder thinkers either. I don't hear voices, etc. Just extreme highs and lows.
So don't worry. I have yet to see any one with using this program who is also bi-polar, but I'm not ashamed of it. I certainly don't want my children to get it, no one ever wants their children to get any illness. And you are a good mother so of course you don't either.

I'm not sure if I can interject anything helpful here but something that I have learned from my therapist (the one who told me about the MudPies of Life, for those of you who remember) is to learn to use the word ALARMING. This is probably a practice similar to Lucinda's use of the red stop sign that we are told to hold up when we go "down that road of thoughts" again. Have you been down that road? Where did it take you? It took you nowhere.....do not go down that road again.

I met with the therapist for months and during each session he would continually go back to reminding me to try to recognize what I would say to myself internally whenever I began to feel a body symptom brewing. For instance when I lost my 12 year old rottweiler last month I told him the night before our appointment that I had begun to develop some body symptoms from the ordeal. He said "what were you saying to yourself when you felt those body symptoms?" My response was "OMG here it comes. What if it doesn't stop this time? What if it is worse than the last time? What if I need to take a medication?" He would say "Those are alarming thoughts you are sending to yourself." Put up that stop sign and think about it a moment. What is really occurring here? "You have lost someone very special to you. You are bound to experience some symptoms from that anxiety. It is alright to have these feelings because of this situation, etc."

Now when I have felt a twinge of a body symptom I immediately see that word come to my mind "ALARMING." And this has helped me a great deal in getting the thoughts to stop.

I don't know if that was a help at all. The thoughts you are having are alarming thoughts. They don't represent you or what you believe in, they are just thoughts. Silly, nagging thoughts. I don't think it is really necessary for you to have to justify why you are having them because I don't think there is a true answer to that. Just stop the alarming thoughts and roll with it. Once you realize that it the obsessing over them that is keeping you in this cycle, you should be able to overcome it - or at least to let it go. You have not always done this your entire life have you? If you haven't then there should be no reason for you to think that you will never be able to stop doing it.

shawn.

This is my first time to really post. I usually read what people are writing so that I can see that others have some of the same thoughts and feelings as I have. I think about what one of the guys says in the tapes that he would say to himself which was, "thoughts...only thoughts" and it made sense to me and helped me when I was doing the tapes. Since I have still struggled some days I've decided that to me it means that "I am NOT my thoughts". Lately I've discovered that my thoughts are really not who I am at all and that has really helped me to get control and stop that thought in its' tracks...I am separate from my thoughts.