Hi guys,

I have lived with my brother for the past 4 years. At first I thought it would be great to live with family for the support. It really hasn't been very supportive. I feel like I've gotten burned. Its kind of like he's a roommate, but we carry all the baggage from when we're kids, so it gets complicated. I resent how he's treated me. At least with a roommate you can say what you think, get in an argument and walk away feeling ok. With him, if I argued, he would tell me how selfish I was because of all the things he did for me in the past (read 10 years ago). We had another roommate/landlord that has since moved out and gotten married. He had feelings for her, and when she would complain to him about me (behind my back) he would come to me and tell me what she said. Sometimes we argued, and he told me that if I didn't do what she wanted she would throw me out. Although she never told me that. I can just remember a time when I'd had a long tiring day, and I'd come home to them sitting on the couch wanting to 'discuss' a problem with me, and having my brother tell me its our way or the highway while my landlord/roommate sat there trying to sink into the couch. I was so tired and angry that I started yelling at her. She didn't say anything. I stomped upstairs and went to bed. I had changed clothes and shut the light off. My brother opened the door, and continued the "discussion" saying that he didn't want me to go to bed angry. Guess what? I yelled at him, and said things that I regret. The next day my roommate told me how much I'd hurt my brothers feelings. I wish I would've given it to her then. I was just confused. We never discussed it again. Over and over we argued, and instead of resolving it and appologizing, or making up, I was pretty much forced into conforming. Either that or they never told me, and just took it upon themselves to change it. For example, my roommate was mad that I used her tupperware, so my brother bought me a set so I wouldn't do it. And they padded the doorjams and drawers because she complained that I slammed them. I only found out after they 'fixed' it. She had to clean that house every weekend, so my brother would pitch in. When I helped, there were comments like, wow, this is rare. My roommate has since moved, which I thought would solve the problem. It hasn't. Now that she's not here, my brother continues to have no interest in my life. The only thing we talk about is the cats. We have two, one mine, and one his. He doesn't like his cat, and berates him every day. Never says anything nice about him. I kind of feel like his cat. I continue to resent certain things... Like that he doesn't clean unless my old roommate is coming over. I know its kind of silly, but I recycle, and he thinks its stupid. He throws all his beer cans etc in the trash, even though if he just left it out I'd recycle it. I won't pick through the trash. He jokes about it like I'm silly for trying. When his friends come over he talks and complains about his job. If I talk about my job to him, he changes the subject, and if I have a gripe, he gets a disgusted look and tells me I'm too sensitive.
Since we don't 'argue' anymore, we both just do what we want, and sometimes I resent what he does, but I don't say anything, because I know he'll argue, and I'll lose. So, being sensitive, I try to do my share of things like the dishes, some of the cleaning, groceries, etc. But I never really know whether its enough or not.
I told him I'd give him 6 months before I moved out. Now I'm not sure I want to wait that long, I might be able to leave earlier. I feel guilty about it. And somehow I'm afraid of facing him, because if all this old resentment comes out, what if we just argue again and I just feel worse? I'm also kind of scared of moving. Although kind of excited too.
Thanks for the vent, I really can't talk to my family about this, as I want to move closer to home, but don't want to be pressured if I tell them too soon. And I don't want to badmouth my brother. And I don't want to call my old friends, because I don't want pressure. I've tried that before. I just need someone to listen. No advice needed! And at work, they're pressuring me to commit full time, and I'm so sensitive on the subject (I will be moving out of state, to a new home and job) that I just smile and try to avoid it. Plus I don't want to tell them I live with my brother, so I just said that I live with a male roommate. I just feel too negative bitter and sensitive about it. I don't want to cry at work! And they're not my friends, so I don't wish to share.

Again thanks for listening to me babble!

Deb

Wow! That was a lot. I know the feeling of family using guilt to persuade you to stick around.

Sometimes, that guilt is imagined. Your brother, despite his flaws, sounds like a pretty mature guy, not clingy by your description and no signs of dependency. It sounds like he'd do okay on his own, but it doesn't sound like it's his well-being that you're worried about. And it shouldn't be, you have enough on your plate to think about just looking after yourself. Moving out sounds like it will be a healthy change for you. It's not about being selfish, it's about taking care of yourself. This living situation does not sound healthy, esp. if you two are holding your pasts against each other.

That's my brief input.

Hey thanks for the reply!

I am a real stewer, as you might notice!