Aloha from Hawaii,

Did any grandparents feel bad and guilty for saying "no to babysitting grandchildren?
Well, I am working and my daughter in law works, she leaves to go work when I walk in the door. From there I cook dinner, bathed my grandson and do my chores that I need for myself. I am totally burned out by the end of the day.
On their days off they like to go to the beach or go out boating and lately I have been saying "no" or I just don't offer to babysit. When I do say "no" I feel really bad and mean but I do need time to myself too. Then it cause me to have a great deal of anxiety.
They do live with me so I find times that i do go out of my way for them and that my life is revolving around their world. Do anyone have this problem???

Alohagirl

Hi alohagirl!
Sounds like your days are full and you are fully justified in saying "no"!! I don't have kids or grandkids, but I do have difficulty saying "no" when people ask me to do things. I have gotten better about making sure I'm allowing enough time for myself since starting the program. On one of the tapes, Carolyn Dickman says she finally told her kids that she needed some time for herself in an assertive fashion and that although they were initially upset, they later realized they were taking advantage of the situation. You are perfectly justified to say "no". I am sure there are others who are in your situation and I hope they will also respond.

Aloha rica 516,
Funny how you mentioned Carolyn Dickson's quote, I have been listening to that tape for a month.
Just trying to say to myself she's so right. Thanks for your reply.
Alohagirl

Hi Alohagirl,

I know how you feel. I live in Nevada, and my daughter has 3 children, 5yrs, 4yrs, and 3yrs. She would always ask her brothers or sisters to babysit her kids and guess who ends up with them. It would be me. I always ended up watching her kids. I finally told her that I still have your brother and sister to raise and I just don't have the energy to constantly watch her kids. I'm tired and I need a break too. After all, I raised 5 kids, with the twins being the youngest, 17 yrs old. So she decided to move back home to Hawaii with her auntie. I miss my grandkids so much but ever since she moved, she hardly calls. When I call, she just says everythings ok and the kids are getting big.
She hardly carries on a conversation over the telephone. I finally convinced myself she needs to live her life with her children and I need to focus on my life. So, all is good for now. I use to feel guilty about this whole situation, but then I realized that I am not responsible for the choices she made. I am here for support and I would do what I can to help. That's the best I can do. I just had to let things go for the sake of my health.........There are no regrets......Oli

Hi Alohagirl et al,

While I am not a grandparent, I can relate to what you are saying. My sister has a daughter. From the day that child was born until the day my mother passed away 6 years later my mother took care of the child. After my mother passed away my sister assumed she could do the same with me.

I work full time too. I am a teacher so I have the same (basically) schedule as the child. My niece was in first grade when my mom passed away. In the morning my sister would drop her off at my house, I would put her on the bus and then rush to work myself. For an hour a day, when she got home from school at 3pm, a girl from the neighborhood would take care of her. I would get at their house at 4 and take care of her until 6:30. I would start dinner and have it ready for them, but I never ate there...she never offered or asked me to.

This continued until my niece was in 7th grade, then she was allowed to stay home by herself until mom got home. Mom had a new job and got home at 5:30. My niece was into sports and often had practice or a game after school. I was expected to pick her up and take her home, but I didn't have to stay.

Each summer I was expected to stay with the kid. I was promised that I would be paid to help me get through the summer, but I never really was. I may have got $100 here or there over the years. I often took the kid to the amusement park or beach. I ran her to sports camps. For the past two summers she has been allowed to stay by herself when mom and dad were at work, but I had to check in twice each day, at lunch and around 4 in the afternoon.

Last year, they had a problem. False accusations were made against my brother-in-law, based on a comment my niece made as he was walking past her and bumped into her at a community event. The case dragged on and on. It happened in October and didn't end until March because the DA kept delaying it. There were 3 different Assistants assigned to it and then the judge that was supposed to hear it retired and they had to wait again for a new one to review it. In December, the week before Christmas, the DA and judge, at the urging of my brother-in-law's lawyer, social services and the court ordered counselor, made a ruling that he could return home as long as a 3rd party was present. I was basically ordered to stay there so he could live at home.

The whole time I was there my sister ridiculed me because of my weight. She would criticize what I ate every day. She would make negative comments about me and make me feel really bad. I was expected to be with my niece 100% of the time. When the case was finally over, I returned "home" to find my bags packed and at the door waiting for me. They didn't help me put my stuff in my car and they didn't even say thank you to me.

I was truly hurt. For months after that my sister hardly even spoke to me. I did not get invited down and if I did stop, I felt unwelcomed. My niece was nasty to me as was my sister and my brother-in-law. I did not go near their house for most of the summer. I only got calls when she wanted me to do something for them and of course I would do it.

Finally, in August, I got the nerve to just say "NO". After a few times something must have clicked with them and they came to my house bearing gifts and thanking me for all I had done for them.

Shortly after I left their house in March, problems started to happen at work and I found out that my older brother was gravely ill. I was miserable and felt like I had no one to turn to. That was when I decided to seek assistance and started to see a counselor. She has helped me so much. She is also the one that turned me on to this program. I am so grateful to her for this.

Something I have realized recently: If you let people take advantage of you, they do it. Especially people close to you. They don't mean to deliberately harm you. They very likely may assume that if you don't refuse you want to do what they ask. They don't, after all, live in your head.

In my case, my saying no is not aboput babysitting but when my kids want something, my mother asks me to do something I don't want to do...... They can push my buttons because I taught them they can.

I read affirmations to myself a lot. One is: My first responsibility is to take care of myself.

I do find guilt one of the hardest things to get rid of in this program, and do the exercises in the workbook a lot. It's a lot of work and time (analyzing the guilt) but it's starting to sink in. I know it will take time to break this habit, but I know that's all it is.

Janet

After raising my own children for 19yrs and then they got married, i discovered, i didnt know who i was anymore or what i even liked to do. Didnt know my husband like i should and he sure didnt know me. We spent those 19yrs focused on our children.
So, when grandkids started coming, it wasnt a big thing for us to let BOTH our children know, dad and i were getting to know each OTHER again, and enjoying life togehter. We wouldnt Be stay at home grandparents for babysitting.
Thats NOT to say we never babysat, it means when we WANTED to, Or one was sick, we would do our part. We never felt guilty at all, and would hope our Children realize when thier empty nest happens, they will bond with each other and make the second half of thier lives, beautiful memories, new memories for each other. Nelly

This is one of the areas that I am having so much trouble with. I understand the assertiveness and am doing fairly good with it until it comes to my grandson. And talk about they know how to push our buttons. I really find it so hard to tell him "no", he is only 6 years old and has always stayed with us on the week-ends. It seems to break his heart when I say I don't feel up to company. What makes it hard is 2 other grandson's live with us with their parents right now and he doesn't understand the difference. They are old enough that they pretty well take care of themselves. yep this is tough.