Hi,

This is my first day and just wanted to tread the waters by getting on this forum. I called the 800 number I think Sunday. I may be going slow because I just had hernia surgery last Wednesday and still in quite a bit of pain. So, taking it slow.

You can read my bio to have a sense of why I am here. Basically, I am a sexual neurotic and I probably know 90% why, maybe even 99% why. Pretty weird abusive life. Started at birth when I had some kind of weird stomach thing where it was like in spasms and I cried to eat every two hours, so I was given barbiturates at two weeks old. (I know something wasn't right then.) Fair amount of trauma from mom, especially at 6. Sexual abuse and gay sex at 12 and that went on for too long (2.5 years?). Bigtime sexual trauma at 19 (major bummer). Dad an absent, abusive alcoholic father.

Anyway, the obsessive thoughts are homosexual (hooray!!!). I am not saying the following out of any need to diminish my reality and I ain't judging anyone else, but the attraction is purely sexual lust and all other attraction is for women. Just the way it is.

On occasion, I have resisted for many weeks. (I only give in by being with myself.) Recently, for 112 days (and that duration of time has an explanation which I will spare to be more brief).

It never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever goes away. NEVER. It's unbelievable. It is a consuming burning FIRE.

I'm willing to do up the serenity prayer (meaning perhaps this facet of "me" always is), but I sure want to learn to manage it better. Not let it set me off into major depression tailspins where cessation of life is most to be desired.

I am big-time into my walk with the Lord. It is a solid anchor for me, but in certain experiential ways - no deliverance. Oh, and I am so sick of trying to be a different tree by trying to grow different fruit. Essence of legalism. Become good by behavior modification and not by abiding in Christ.

Back to this course. I am real low on the anxiety-scale. Certainly, I have it, but not the proverbial bigtime attacks. But, I sure can know depression.

Lastly, I usually check how everyone is doing. Have yet to do so, largely cuz of the surgery and how I feel. I'm crashing soon!


Tony

Tony: sorry to hear about your hernia,hope the surgery has helped and will heal up soon.! I can really relate to some of the things you have said. I'm not sure how much to tell(of myself)so i don't get anyone else in trouble,or especially me. I know others will read all these forums,but I know it only is for members(I hope).Non-members,should have their own forums. I just am starting session 2. I have just major general anxiety,and am o.k. as long as I'm on meds.If I try to get off them,I'm out of sorts. I can hardly go anywhere,outside of home,and feel racy,and scattered etc.without my meds. Well,I better go now. Take care.

Hi 3-D,

Man, does it mean a lot to me that you posted. I am in a state of at least moderate-level depression.

It hurt me that no one bothered to lend me "peer support" in my introductory post.

Who knows? Maybe even among outsiders, I am an outsider.

My issue is tough for a few reasons and one is the prevailing opinion (since the mid 70's or thereabouts) that gay is OK. So, on that count, I need to say that maybe the way it works for others, it is, but I am a different case than that. I am a homosexual neurotic.

Lately, it is like I am subject to unwanted obsessive thoughts and their power is like a hurricane and their frequency has been quite high lately.

It's like I am damned if I do (give in to - how do I say this delicately - being with myself) and I am damned if I don't.

But, that's a negative thought, isn't it?

I was going to bail out of this program, but I asked this woman I talked to from the 800 number if it would benefit me even if the unwanted thoughts remained a part of me (and she was really nice).

She said absolutely, especially 3 and 12, I think it was.

I am too depressed presently to go after this at the scheduled pace, but I suspect I will do it.


Thanks again...

Tony

Hi!Tony B. Please don't give up on the program. I know I need to tell myself this first,as I almost want to. I think we've invested too much already,one:money,the others:time,in ordering the product,going on-line to post forums,and on-line chat etc.I guess with me,I've tried so many different things,from meds,therapy,and other groups.I think once I go through this whole program and it's the 15th session,and I don't feel it's working or not getting extremely better,than that's when I'll give up. But,I wont' throw the materials out,or get rid of them. I know I'm bad at doing the reading and homework,but I will do them. On the depression you are having,have you considered seeking professional therapist for this and a doctor(preferably Psychiatrist)for anti-depressants meds.?? I know my depression has greatly left me,but I still will talk to a doctor on it,this week Fri.as I'm due for an appointment with one. Well,maybe it's not this week that I see a doctor,but I will go to a clinic to fill out paperwork for "ACHHCS"? insurance.I need my anxiety meds,as I'm taking old stuff from years ago,that I saved cause I ran out of the other meds,and no more refills. My last doctor I was seeing was at a clinic in this hospital,that i won't go back to anyways,cause I used to work there(the hospital,not the clinic)and anyways,they probably closed my case,cause i was last seen in Feb.this year. Anyways,that's all I have for now.