Hi everyone. I am here to change myself, and get (and sometimes give!) help and support while I'm on this wonderful life road.

I wish my first post were a happier one. Because it is heavy, I apologize up front. But we are all here looking for help and support - I'm no exception!

YES, I can already see changes taking place, which is so wonderful! I am very grateful for these little improvements! They keep the hope alive and propel me onward in the course to effect a real, permanent change! However, it is also why I'm suffering and terrified! OMG!!! Let me explain this big "WHAT IF."

I'm about to divorce my husband - the man I knew was right for me. We have a wonderful adopted son (6), who has lobbied tirelessly for 2-1/2 years for us to come back together. We are just about to sign the papers and add to the sickening statistic, perhaps within a week...

Then I get the program and my eyes are opened to the suffering I caused that man (not to mention myself!!!) - it's no wonder he shut down! I now see hope for my disposition, and therefore hope for a changed marriage and home life. Then my son brings home a drawing of the three of us smiling, with a caption that reads, "I love my famlee." My heart broke for that sweet little boy, who now gets ping-ponged between two homes. It's not right no matter how I look at it. So how can I sign these hellish papers?

It gets even more "interesting."

We have both remained in a state of "limbo," never really feeling "right" about the divorce. However, we needed to have movement one way or another, so we chose to continue down the road to divorce, and have both started relationships with other people. When we met to discuss it he broke down in tears, but didn't know why. As he left he hugged me like he'd never see me again. Can it get any more complicated?!! Yet I still think that we possess the power to stop the locomotive to hell that we are on. I haven't truly been able to let my marriage go, even though I was the initiator (even longer story). The core issue lies with him, me, and our son. We are both good people that care a great deal for each other. I sincerely believe that neither of us wants this divorce, yet we are still headed there.

I am in agony. My brain is twisted into a veritable knot (make that a noose). When I first think of reconciling it seems very right to me, and I become calm and happy at the thought. Despite the obvious challenges that would lie ahead, I would take it on. However, trying to present the idea to him in a way that doesn't make me look like a lunatic eventually gets me so stressed out that I feel sick and can't function (usually at work, and I can't keep that up!).

Likewise, when I am away from the situation I can be happy, but there is always the nagging feeling that divorce is not the right path in our situation.

I know that the world will not end either way, but I want to do what is right. I have a little boy's life to consider, and how could I forgive myself if I let go of what could potentially become a happy life for us again?

I do give myself permission to feel this way because it's HUGE, and who wouldn't be nuts over this? Still, it gets the best of me at times, and I need help to focus and see things clearly and rationally. I can't change the past, but I can change myself, which could have a positive impact on our future, and could potentially make the difference that we've needed for years. There has to be someone else out there that's experienced this.

This is about our family disintegrating and our son's well-being. At this point extraneous relationships are just that.

Forgive the length of this. I can't talk to my family about it; I don't trust my counselor, who always tries to steer me away from my marriage. I just don't know where else to turn.

And now it looks like I'd better hit the Relaxation CD, don'tcha think?

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I can't spend any more time on editing or I'll blow up. As you can see, I'm a perfect specimen for this program. :-) I am open to practical suggestion for how to handle MYSELF here, so that I can design the right path to follow in my situation.

soften

Can I suggest you go see the movie "Fireproof" it puts a new perspective on divorce and really trying to make things work. After all God hates divorce. If there is anything you can do to save your marriage do it. Life as a single person is not all it is cracked up to be.

Angie

OMG! I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE WRITING MY STORY WITH SOME DIFFERENCES...I FEEL THE SAME WAY AND IM TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON MYSELF AND BETTERING MYSELF...TRYING TO GET RID OF THESE INSECURITIES AND LOW SELF ESTEEM...THE PROBLEMS WITH MY RELATIONSHIP IS THAT HE WAS UNFAITHFUL AND HE WAS ALSO "PHYSICAL" WITH ME BUT DEEP DOWN I KNOW HE'S A GOOD PERSON AND HE'S A GOOD DAD...HE JUST FINISHED ANGER MANAGEMENT...UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T TRUST HIM NOW BUT I AM WILLING TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE BECAUSE GOD DOESN'T LIKE DIVORCE...IM TRYING NOT TO BLAME MYSELF BUT I KNOW I PUSHED HIM AWAY BY QUESTIONING HIM AND ACCUSING HIM CONSTANTLY...IM SO UNSURE OF MY DECISION TO GET A DIVORCE...I DON'T WANT TO BUT I FEEL LIKE THATS WHERE ITS AT...IT GETS VERY DEPRESSING-ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S CHILDREN INVOLVED...WE HAVE 2 BOYS (6 AND 10 YEARS OLD)...HE SAYS THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE MY HUSBAND ANYMORE BUT HE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW TRAUMATIC IT WAS FOR ME TO FIND OUT HE CHEATED ON ME AND FOR HIM TO BE "PHYSICAL"...I WOULD THINK THIS IS THE TIME FOR HIM TO SHOW AND PROVE...BUT I GUESS NOT

Hi 117,

I'm not sure what you mean by "physical." That could mean several things. He hit you?

I don't know if the pain or regret of divorce ever dies--I doubt it--but I can tell you (as everyone told me) that things do get better. Shoot, just tonight I found our wedding china and I sat there and cried. It is very painful to consider what we had that is simply forever lost. But the episode was short-lived; I bounced back within a few minutes. It is good to keep in mind that life moves forward. Time keeps moving, and each moment we have moves right into the past where it cannot be changed or relived. New memories are being built each moment! And you have the lessons learned from these experiences to draw on in future situations.

I think divorce is the most deceiving, evil thing in the world. It's a deadly cancer, and losing someone through divorce is worse than death. It IS a death. However, I do believe that some situations, such as unfaithfulness and/or abuse, warrant such action. And let me tell you, I used to be someone who KNEW she'd never be divorced "because I did it right the first time," and I looked down on those who got divorced unless it was for unfaithfulness. Well, I got knocked down a few pegs (thank God); and after what I've been through I judge no one. Because to this day I STILL know I did it right the first time, yet look where I am!!!!! Yes, I married the right man, and I still ended up divorced. It was very hard for me to get my head around that.

Though there was no unfaithfulness in my situation; it eventually boiled down to his simple unwillingness to work at it (dinnnngggggg--ringing a bell here--he has FREE WILL--I can't change that). For reasons I don't want to go into I was the one that left, yet I was also the one that put forth an immense amount of effort to work it out--to the point of becoming ill (as well as having been the only one that worked at it during the marriage).

I am now divorced, and I'm carving out a new life. It may be slow, but it's happening. He is still the fine, good person he was, yet he's no longer the happy, fun-loving person I married.

I have been moving very slowly through the program, and really making an effort to put the concepts into practice. The positive self-talk is critical, and it is sometimes easy to fall off that wagon. I've listened to some of the CDs literally dozens of times. I'm stuck on the homework because... well for lots of reasons. Life has been full of STUFF to do. But that's okay. The homework will still be there waiting and who gave me a deadline on this anyway? LOL...

Good luck 117. I truly wish you the best. Keep your head up and really WORK ON THIS PROGRAM. I am confident that you will find your way through everything you are experiencing right now.

soften

New girl 117 and soften. I can relate and I recently started the program. I have worked hard at the marriage and he has been unfaithful and I am also christian and trying to keep the marriage working. I have one child who adores her father so it is hard to consider divorce. I feel that I am held back by him at times as when I feel I am gaining confidence/self esteem and building myself up sometimes there is no support, no understanding and sometimes if I do something wrong and he gets angry I get lots of anxiety. Any advice on how to separate from the marriage issues(trust, lack of communication, support through my depression and anxiety) and just focus on myself.

mama julie,
I went through what you are going through now.but she was unfaithful and I could not put up with it any longer. she wanted me out and I left. the kids were grown and yours sounds young.but later on she will be hurt as well and there will be 2 of you.as a christian I know how bad it hurts. even those that are not are hurt as well.I can not tell you to leave him but its adultery when he does that.in time maybe he will come around. but,if he does not in time then what? will you let it keep happening time and tiem again? the stress and anxiety that you feel along with the depression is probably what you are going through with him.if you get a chance please read my profil and it will fill you in.you are in our thoughts and prayers that it will work out. God Bless.
don
If God leads you to it .then HE will see you through it,

I realized a few weeks into the program what my anxiety has done to my marriage....I cry as I write this..I have been married for 16 years and I have paralyzed my husband with my fear all these years. I used to make up every excuse in the book for him not to do things because I didn't really want to be left alone with 3 kids....I was never honest with him or myself on the reasons we didn't do things...I would lie because the truth was too hard to face. My anxiety has held him back from living as well...I look at that beautiful man now with a whole different perspective...he loved me enough to endure this journey with me...he has given up as much if not more than me... When we get married we forget that it is a priviledge that out of all of the people in the world they chose us to be their spouse.....they chose to love us and nobody else.... I do this program each day for me but for my husband too so he can get HIS life back and so that my fear doesn't limit my children from living their lives to the fullest. I hope this helps....follow your heart......Best of luck...God bless

I'll try to make this short (yeah right), and to answer Mama Julie and honeydew3.

First, I think divorce is the most devastating, nauseating, sickening, evil thing in the world today, designed to destroy families and ruin love and trust between a couple, and to damage individuals as well. It happens far too frequently, and sometimes for far too casual reasons. But sometimes it happens no matter how we feel about it, or how hard we try to avoid it.

Mama Julie--divorce is the single most horrible thing I've ever been through. But sweetie, IT TAKES TWO people committed to making it work. It did not matter how hard I tried or what I did or did not do -- it ended anyway. That helped me see that it doesn't all depend on me! That man disrespected you, my friend. Don't disrespect yourself by sweeping it under the rug! It'll only go downhill from there. My situation was different--there was no infidelity. That made it that much harder. Sweetie, you have to follow your heart. I hate what divorce does to children. But our children still love us through it all. When they grow up they see the choices you've made and will come to understand either way. Make a choice she'll respect you for. Make a choice you'll respect yourself for. God can heal anything. Unfaithfulness promises a long, difficult road, and only you know if you're up for it, or what you can or can't tolerate. The answer will be clear to you as you seek it. Just give yourself permission to follow through on the answer you get. You are strong enough!

honeydew3, I can relate to everything you said. I cried as I realized how I had damaged our marriage too. I related my discoveries to him, but my (now former) husband had opted to check out emotionally and he became numb and treated me as if I wasn't there. I spent all my time trying to make him happy and trying to connect to him, and I couldn't see that he had willingly disconnected on a deeper level. I don't even know if he realized he did that, because he is a good person. He did not realize there was hope, I guess, so he let it go. My young son still longs for us to get back together, and that is very painful, because that would be best. But it's not reality for us, and I am learning to cope, and giving myself time to heal. Your post is a wonderful ray of sunshine on this topic. Best wishes to you on your new life!

soften

This is my first post.
(Hello Everyone)
I haven't even gotten the program yet, but after years of "coping" with this, taking care of everyone else and becoming an empty nester, I am finally seeing that, yes, I truly need to work on this. I see how clingy I can become and think "who ARE you"?
I will not hijack the post soften, and tell my story but I will say this.
If there is any chance that you can salvage your marriage, then by all means FIGHT FOR IT! Find the strength, courage and self-love to take a stand for the marriage, your hubby, your child- and yes, yourself.
You have been given the tools with this program, work it together, if you can get him interested.
It took awhile for you both to get where you are now, you can't get back together overnight, it will take time to get you back to where you should be.
Perservere and with the support your husband will give you, you will get through this together and it will make you and your marriage that much stronger!
Oh, and definetly see Fireproof, together, if you can. It's an eye-opener!

Hi Patti D.

Interesting that you posted on the day that would have been my 14th wedding anniversary, after having no posts on this topic for nearly a year. A bit too late to salvage anything, since we separated over three years ago, and have been divorced now for nine months.

I saw Fireproof at the suggestion of an earlier poster. What a piece of Hollywood. Life is simply not like that. And I'm a Christian!!!!!

I think divorce is the most horrible thing on earth. And I did everything humanly possible (and beyond) to save it. Believe me, it takes TWO willing people working at it.

Life goes on. Keep looking up!!!

soften

Correction: the last post was in May '09. Sorry!!!