I started the program in Sept. It's taking me at least 2 weeks to get through each week. My intended and I were working it together. He has a problem with being very suspisious. I have been fighting depression forever. I agreed to take a polygraph test to prove to him that I have been faithful, and failed the test. I don't know if it was the panic attacks or the was the test was rigged. I feel so incredibly stupid. My engagement is over, I have been thrown out of my home, I am sleeping on a couch at a friends house, and very much wanting to die.

I'm almost 50 yrs old, I don't want to start all over again. I have been job hunting for 3 months. How depressing is that?

I am trying to find a reason to go on. I just can't seem to. I feel horribly guilty just bringing this up here. So many are doing so well.

Lexa,
First, please don't assume that people are ALL doing well because some may not be telling everything that is NOT going well. Also, it makes no sense to compare anyway since there will ALWAYS be some that are better and some that are worse...ALWAYS. You are who you are.

I like to take a broader view of life. If you and your fiance are not together then perhaps it's not meant to be.

Please allow me to share one profound word of advise that I've learned from reading a book (called "Getting to I Do") recently, and I also have learned in life. One small thing you can do at this point is this: Do NOT call or attempt to communicate with him for eight full weeks. In a relationship there is female energy and it is more receptive and there is male energy and it is more forward (sometime women are the male energy and men are the female -- but that's a complexity). If there is any possibilty left in him that he'll call YOU then you need to wait out that full eight weeks in silence and meanwhile move on with your life.

Right now I wish I'd gone further through this program so I could reach inside and tell you which lesson deals with finding our purpose but I can't. Basically right now you are concentrating on the every day skills such as getting a job and taking care of yourself. Just break it down into the list of things to get from here to there. If you are (not saying you are) holding out for a WONDERFUL job then you might consider just taking ANY job just to get back into the working world and feel you are contributing. In my area they are always hiring in fast food restaurants and shopping malls. The wages aren't great, but it's better than nothing. If you have skills, you could also check with a local temporary agency where you can be placed on short term assignments.

Go to your local college and see whether they have counselors that can help you transition. There are often displaced homemaker programs that could give you a one-day workshop on locating your skill sets and selling them to get a job. Of just a one-day workshop on interview techniques. Some small item that you can use to get your life better than it is today.

Remember, it can always be better and it can always be worse. Be grateful for what you have. You're not really starting over, you're just changing. (I just remembered that there's a CD about changing -- you might want to pull that one out.)

Take care! Let us know how things go. We're here for you!

Thanks for the kind words. No, I'm not holding out for the perfect job, not even McDonald's has called me back. I have a very part-time job as a banquet server which is funding my job search.

Unfortunately, I cannot leave Ken alone for 8 weeks, I have to go there tomorrow and pick up stuff I need. But I can see your point. I know deep in my heart that I need to move on and the whole "if it comes back it's meant to be" I just have a hard time believing that there will ever be anyone else. Not that I am going to look! I will be alone for at least a year, and that isn't easy to accept either.

The good news is that I recently found a counselor I can afford that I am seeing tomorrow.

Hi lexa,

I am so sorry for all you are going through and hope that your life will all come together sooner, than later. I really believe trust is a major factor within any relationship and in order for it to work both people must trust the other. It seems most often that the person with trust issues has been hurt at some point by another partner or that person is lacking self confidence...self esteem...many times. This is from people who have told me about their breakups of marriages and relationships throughout many years.If we can't trust or be trusted than how can it not destroy us over time? Life is difficult enough without having to prove our fidelity to someone we love and who supposedly loves us. take this time to work on feeling good about yourself, one day at a time. If he has issues about trust there is nothing you can do to change that...we can only change ourselves and learn from each of lifes lessons. You will come out of this a stronger young woman...you are still young!!
You had some great advice from Aura and am sure many others will jump in with many words of wisdom and inspiration. Believe in YOU right now and take baby steps...it will work out for the best. It always does. We are all here for you anytime you need help. I wish you all the best during this rough time.

God Bless, (((((HUGS))))

montysmom

Thank you so much I know his issues are his, but I have the "Magical Thinking" bug and believed that if I just loved him enough and believed in him that we could overcome his past. One good thing is I now have internet access where I am staying and can be more connected here!
I would like to request all that read this and are spiritual will pray for both of us.

I was reading a post from NSPYREDJ elsewhere and she has this as her signature line:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly."

Well, naturally it made me think of you! (HUGE SMILE).

If even McDonald's isn't calling back you need to ask yourself why (or ask a trusted friend for feedback). Perhaps they just had too many applicants. But if you're depressed...and anything like me... perhaps you showed up there inside your shell. You need to at least be present enough to SMILE and make eye contact and give responses that fool people into thinking you have positive self-esteem. You can practice this (if needed) on your current position.

Let EVERYONE that you meet know that you are available for work. Don't assume that they know.

My son actually had to go BACK to the fast food restaurant and be a bit more active in getting the interview. He'd show up and the manager would be too busy to speak to him. So the final time he just sat there for a few hours checking in periodically. It turns out the manager really was too busy and wasn't managing her time. He got the job (which was truly the only place he wanted to work, since he could walk to work). So persistance can pay off.

Do you have a nice resume and reference written down, and an interview outfit that is appropriate for the type of work you seek?

Yes, I do have a resume and appropriate clothes. I'm trying to network, it really is "who you know." I got busy today and sent out some feelers. I should have at least another part time job by next week.

I'm trying to keep things in order, I can't worry about living arrangements until I land a job. And the relationship will have to wait until both of those are accomplished.

quote:

Originally posted by lexa:
I started the program in Sept. It's taking me at least 2 weeks to get through each week. My intended and I were working it together. He has a problem with being very suspisious. I have been fighting depression forever. I agreed to take a polygraph test to prove to him that I have been faithful, and failed the test. I don't know if it was the panic attacks or the was the test was rigged. I feel so incredibly stupid. My engagement is over, I have been thrown out of my home, I am sleeping on a couch at a friends house, and very much wanting to die.

I'm almost 50 yrs old, I don't want to start all over again. I have been job hunting for 3 months. How depressing is that?

I am trying to find a reason to go on. I just can't seem to. I feel horribly guilty just bringing this up here. So many are doing so well.

I have been where you are. I know you don't feel like you have the strength to go on, but you do. I have this quote on my myspace profile: "Sometimes life has a way of putting us on our backs in order to force us to look up" and thought it was relevant for you.

I was with a guy for 3 1/2 years that was like your fiance'. He was SO incredibly jealous and insecure. It got to the point that I actually hated him. He had convinced himself that I was cheating on him. I don't know when this cheating was supposed to have been going on, though, because when I wasn't with him (we lived together) I was working or at school (where we took many classes together). He even recorded a talk show about couples recovering after someone cheated and left it in the vcr for me. I blew up. I can understand your frustration. I would have been willing to take a polygraph too. I finally kicked him out when he accused a neighbor I had never met of sleeping with me. He called me from the guys phone and found his "evidence" by me answering a strange number. This was the breaking point and made me throw him out. It's a long hard road, but you cannot be with someone this irrational. He & I still talked on the phone and I even wanted him back once he started seeing someone else (I didn't really, it's a jealousy thing). He was the one that said it's over for good and he was moving on...he ended up with someone JUST LIKE HIMSELF. What a way karma has of getting people. As far as you failing the polygraph, well, I always thought that I would fail one on any subject if I was nervous enough. If you suffer from anxiety, you may have been displaying the things the test picks up on (rapid heart rate) because you were nervous. I don't know enough about the tests though to suggest how you could fail if you truly are innocent. I know that I am one of those people that just FEELS guilty all of the time despite not having done anything wrong. I was abused as a child and feel that may have something to do with it. I was always being beaten for things that I did not do. I was always guilty even when I wasn't. Perhaps you can relate?

I think its great that you are reaching out for help. I have hit bottom before, homeless...carless...penniless and have bounced back time and again. I numbed myself and just went through the motions of life to get through my pain (too long of stories to put here on your post). I graduated college, got married and had my first child. This after 2 suicide attempts. I had my financial aid suspended (and therefore wouldn't have been able to continue school) for not showing up for my final exams because I was too depressed, but convinced them to give me a chance. You deserve another chance too. I think you are right in not addressing the relationship situation until you are on your feet again. A counselor told me a simple statement following the death of a dear love of mine...H.A.L.T. which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. When you are grieving (ending a relationship is very similar to the person dying because they are no longer a part of your life). When you are feeling like you can't go on, tell yourself to HALT and figure out your needs at that moment. It's amazing how well it has worked time and again. When your are hungry, eat. When you are angry, let it out (be it through writing it down or talking to someone about it) when you are lonely, reach out, or even just go to a public place. Call someone, visit someone, join a support group, come onto this site, whatever helps with the loneliness (besides the ex of course). The T is for tired. When you are tired, GO TO SLEEP. By making sure your basic needs are met and these 4 items are addressed you can alleviate some of the despair. Only time truly heals. All of the other sayings are true too. Everything happens for a reason (although I've heard this so many times it makes me sick when people use it on me) and "when one door closes, another one opens" it really is true. You have no idea what God has in store for you, just know that there are bigger and greater things than your mind can even fathom at this low point. You'll look back one day and won't believe how far you've come. Just wait and see.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I too am a survivor of abuse and always feel defensive and guilty. Polygraphs just aren't reliable, but this unscrupulous man convinced Ken that he would be able to give him a 99% certian answer. That is the truly sad part of this, I agreed to be tested because Ken agreed to get help once the test was over. I am dealing with shame and self-blame that I trusted the polographer instead of looking into it. It only took me 10 min. on-line to know I had been had and the test was rigged.
You are right about things happening for a reason. I may not be able to see it yet, but I'm sure something good will come out of this.